A Final Goodbye

Friends,

I am back from the hospital. A few hours after I left for the woods my parents found me on their stoop with blood on my face and shirt. I woke up in the hospital a few days later with two black eyes and a fractured bone in my face. The staff at the hospital helped me learn to type again. Apparently I had been hit hard enough to do some damage to my brain. I am still having trouble speaking, but I seem to have regained enough to type well enough. Spell check helps.

I wanted to say goodbye to this blog and goodbye to the few who may still be reading. I don't know if what happened to me was real, or was something I made up. I don't know if I hurt myself in the woods or if someone attacked me. I haven't dreamed since then. I don't really have the feelings of fear I had before. Overall I feel normal. My doctors asked me if I had been hearing voices, and I can't really remember. I don't remember much of writing this blog at all.

I'm happy.

Goodbye.

I'm going to the forest

Tonight, I will be going into the woods to meet the rat.

When I woke up this morning I discovered that Lemminkaenen was no longer with me. I didn't hear him in my dreams as I lay nearly incapacitated in my bed yesterday.

I now know why.

I can't bring myself to be angry that he did what he did, I know he meant well. If anything, that proved that he genuinely wanted me to make my own choice.

Unfortunately I cannot take the path that he wanted me to take. I don't want to bear this burden anymore. I need to go into the forest and I need to meet the rat. I want this information gone and the rat can do that.

Micah is dead, Lemminkaenen sleeps, and I no longer want to know.

Goodbye.

Anomie

I promised when we met that I would never possesses you.

I must break my promise.

I cannot let you do this without begging you to reconsider. I hear everything you think, and I know what you plan to do. Please do not do this. Whatever he can offer it isn't worth it. We must all bear our burdens. Yours is lamentably heavy, but you are the one that must bear it and warn them. You may fail, but you must not give up.

You think you're weak, but you can be strong. I know everything you know and I've seen your strength. You must do what the others couldn't. You have that power.

As soon as I'm done typing this I will leave you forever. I was weakened so much when I saved your spirit, and this is draining the final bit of strength I have to remain in this world. I will return to the land of the sleeping and wait. I know that if you go through with this terrible plan I will never see you again.

Don't lose hope or spirit Anomie. However heavy your burden, one day you'll realize it was worth it if you carry that load.

This song expresses my feelings better than I can. Please don't go.



-Lemminkaenen

He's Out There

I've seen him hanging out across from my house. He kept circling the block thinking I didn't see him, but I did. I haven't been checking my e-mail or twitter as much as I used to, I'm just too tired and feel so horrible most of the time that I can't bring myself to bother. But I just found this in my inbox.

From Jun 9, 2011

I hadn't seen him for 2 days and I thought he was gone. Apparently he somehow knows where I used to skip rocks with my friends. He's waiting there now. I suppose he got tired of walking constantly to keep the neighborhood parents from wondering who that weird man was.

I'm so numb I'm not even scared. I'm not even angry. I don't feel much at all, honestly.

The shakes

I feel the shakes coming on again.

I had a seizure last night. I had a seizure the night before. But last night, last night was much worse.

I passed through the door of my own volition, for the first time ever. I walked to the spot where Micah used to stand waiting. He wasn't there. As I walked closer to the house, I saw that the stoop was covered in blood and what I think was guts. I heard something running, and saw a white streak coming for me. Somehow Lemminkaenen was able to follow and blocked the white thing just in time. He took the killing blow that was meant for me. We were ejected back into the corridor. I don't think he was mortally wounded. Can the dead die? He let me drift into the third world, where I had dreams of those I most love trying to kill me, telling me that I'm an abomination and a stain on them.

There is a man on the corner across from my house. He stands there intermittently, and keeps walking around the block to be less conspicuous. You think I don't notice, but I do. With your stupid headphones and your beady black eyes. You want me to meet you, don't you? It's looking more and more promising.

I don't want to know these things. I don't want to know a dead man who can stop supernatural entities. I don't want to be responsible for the death of a man who reached out to me. I'm no savior, no conveyor of the truth. I'm an abomination, I don't want this anymore.

I'm shaking. There's another one coming tonight. I'm already so weak. I'm already in pain. Why? Why can't I rest?

I'm not feeling right

It's bad enough to be packing and moving, but it's worse when you feel like there is someone watching you. That sick fuck is here. I know he is. I keep looking over my shoulder when I leave my building to put stuff in my Mom's car. I think every person who stalls in the parking lot is watching me, is ready to jump on me like I know that fuck will.

Lemminkaenen won't shut up. He keeps telling me to focus and calm down, that there is nothing to fear, that I'm in good hands with him and with my parents. Well fuck him. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He bugs me every night. I can sleep with him talking to me, trying to tell me to keep calm.

The few times I've been able to sleep, I've had vivid nightmares, about interplanetary beasts destroying the earth. The Slender Man is there, and he's using his non-eyes to stare at me. I can't hear it, but I know he's saying Betreten Verboten. Those beings destroy everything around me and leave fire in their wake. They can't touch me, even as they rip everyone else in the area to pieces.

The more I think about it, the more I think I know what it means. The more I know, the more I wish I was ignorant. I wish I didn't know. The pieces are falling together. I used to love puzzles as a child, seeing the picture develop as I put the pieces together. The clearer the picture in this puzzle becomes, the clearer it is to me that I just don't want to know.

Please, make it stop.

Just some quick stuff

I've heard nothing more from that freak, but I'm jumping whenever I see people outside of my building. I'm so sure he's here every morning when I wake up, but it's always just the same random people going to work, coming home from the late shift, or bringing packages. No one suspicious.

Lemminkaenen is going crazy. I can even hear him panicking while I'm awake. He told me last night that I need to get away from all of this. I need to get somewhere safe.

I haven't seen Micah, but when I pass through the corridor I always look for an opening where I can run into his world. I don't know what happened with the pills, I don't know if he's still okay.

I've been feeling shaky all week. I haven't seized yet, but something is wrong. My levels are all messed up. I don't know what to do.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I just feel like giving up.

The sick twisted freak

I was going to make a post informing you that I got my pills and that I'm feeling better. However, I'm suddenly feeling much MUCH worse. This is an e-mail that I got last night while I was sleeping.

From May 23, 2011

That black box? Yeah, that's my home address. That's where I fucking live. This bastard knows where I live. I'm looking into getting to a hotel for a while. Fortunately I'm moving in about 10 days. If I can, I'm going to spend the least time possible in my current house so that freak can't find me.

Who told him?

Burecratic horseshit!

So, last night when I went to take my nightly dose of lamictal I discovered that it was my last dose. I went to the pharmacy website to put a new order in and guess what? I have no refills. I figured, "Oh, I'll call my neuro in the morning and get this fixed. I can miss my morning dose,"

Well guess what? My neuro won't give me any refills. I need an appointment first. She wants to "check up" on my epilepsy. I tried to tell her that I was out of pills. But that doesn't matter, she seems to insist that I come in. She just desperately needs to drag me into her office 30 miles away for a 2 hour wait in her waiting room and then a 15 minute talk with her about my seizure disorder. I told her I can't be without my pills and suggested that she give me permission to have at least a 2 week supply.

She didn't fucking listen. I needed to have an appointment.

The next appointment she has is next Monday at 10 in the morning. I took it.

I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do.

Shit.

Micah and Lemminkaenen

I saw Micah again last night. Again, he spoke in riddles. Luckily I was able to bring Lemminkaenen with me and he seemed able to make some sense of what he had to say. He told me I would return to his world "when it was dark". Unsurprisingly night had finally fallen.
He was sitting on the stoop of the house that he's always at when I see him. Initially, he was wary of the presence of Lemminkaenen, but after a brief explanation of who he was and who I believed him to be, he seemed to relax a bit. I could tell he was guarded with what he told me, a bit more than usual, but Lemminkaenen still listened and tried to make sense of what he told me.
I realized something interesting when I first entered the world with Lemminkaenen, he was shaking too. When he looked at me he seemed very concerned and asked me why I was shaking. Apparently it isn't Micah who shakes, it's me. Lemminkaenen believes that it has something to do with where we were. He believes that instead of just another plain of existence, we were actually on another planet and that I had traveled through some bizarre quantum rift to get there. I'm not sure how true that is, but I can only accept him to be right. I have no evidence to the contrary.
When I finally got Micah talking about something OTHER than Lemminkaenen and his presence he told me that time was short and that there were some things I needed to know about where he was.
"Look at the sky [Anomie],"
I looked up and noticed that there was two moons in the sky. "That's interesting," I replied.
"[Anomie] those moons are rising quickly. The dawn is coming soon. The dawn will bring my new name, and I will forget you. I cannot stop them, and neither can you,"
"I figured as much," I glanced at Lemminkaenen and he seemed to be deep in thought. "Who are the others?" I blurted out to Micah, which seemed to interest Lemminkaenen quite a bit. Micah balked.
"[Anomie] you know I can't answer that,"
"Why not?" Lemminkaenen asked over my shoulder. Micah just stared past him, as much as he accepted Lemminkaenen's presence he refused to acknowledge anything he asked.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because I'm not entirely sure myself. I can tell you that they have existed always, and will exist always."
"Are they gods?"
"No,"
"Then what are they?"
"I don't know [Anomie]! I only know that they control what happens here and that they should not be crossed. That thing that you saw enforces their law. I also know that those pills keep you isolated from their thoughts. Once the dawn comes, all of their acts will be forgotten by all but a few, and even those will forget their function,"
"What about the Slender Man?"
"He is another of their enforcers, I think. He does what they cannot do,"
"What does he do?"
"I have dreams, sometimes [Anomie]. I see him in them. I see him in your world and I feel him touch me," He raised his sleeve and I saw a hideous burn mark "and then I wake up, screaming"
"I understand, I think. Micah, all the legends of the Slender Man say that he takes children. Why isn't he taking children anymore?"
"You know. You are the reason. You should know it better than anyone,"
"I don't understand,"
"Think hard [Anomie]. You'll know soon,"
"I hope,"
"[Anomie] please remember your pills. I'd like to see the dawn. Wake up,"
I didn't wake up, but I was once again launched out out the second world. Instead, I found myself sitting in the corridor between the worlds with Lemminkaenen. He looked thoughtful.
"[Anomie] do you know what he meant?"
"No,"
"I believe that what he told you is that people like you are the reason Slender Man is taking adults. He can't see you. Remember that your epilepsy started when you were thirteen? Those pills keep you from being seen by the Slender man, and I'm sure that whatever "The Others" are, they can't see you either,"
"So they are gods?"
"Perhaps that's the best word for them. I think that's what my era would have called them. I think that's the only word that you have that fits them. The one thing I now know for sure is that the Slender Man does drag people to that side, and he does it for the others,"
"Why?"
"I need to think about it. Let me have a few nights to think it over. I have an idea but I have to work on how to say it,"
"What's this about the dawn?"
"Give me a few days. Don't you have some papers to write?"
And I woke up.
I do have papers to write, and that's why this entry is kinda late. As soon as I hear from Lemminkaenen again you'll know.

Things my Companion Says

So, there is not much to tell you about Lemminkaenen. It's rather confusing when I realized that the person I saw in the mirror at the top of the stairs in my initial hallucination of that area was a woman. He suggested that it was my subconscious that was telling me where to go. He thinks that there might be part of me that knows the answers, but cannot tell me and that has become his job. Everything he has told me has been obvious to him and therefore should have been obvious to me, but for some reason I couldn't put it together for myself. I have a block.

I see him only in the corridor between worlds. He can come with me into the third world, but I'm not sure about the second. I will only know when Micah pulls me through. He can't tell me either, because that's something he doesn't know. So far, the things I haven't heard or honestly don't know he has no access to.

I can feel him. I can't hear him clearly in my mind until I'm asleep, but I can make out faint words of encouragement or whispered advice when I'm awake. He tells me that he has good advice because he's been alive for many more years than me, but I'm not so sure. He suggested more cake when he knows that cake will make me fat :P.

He just told me that cake is happiness and he just wants me happy. Jerk.

Anyway, on a more serious note, he made some sense of Micah's words. He suggested that my previous supposition that the second world is a new world waiting to be filled is true. This was through the information that Micah gave me through the statement of "I don't think that was my name before". Lemminkaenen believes that this means Micah once existed in our world and was taken to the second world by the Slender Man. The statement that "He doesn't care about us once we're here" makes that fairly obvious. He also thinks that it is only my disorder and pills that keep me from being seen by the Slender Man.

The things that Lemminkaenen says he is less sure of and needs clarification is who "The Others" are. He can't tell by the little information that he's been given what they are or what their connection to the second world is. He thinks it has something to do with Micah's statement about time and sleep. He's scared though, he doesn't like that we're unsure.

He also fears The Rat. He doesn't know what his motivations are, but he can tell it's no good. He's suggested that I have no contact with him and stop tweeting back. I happen to agree. However, still, fuck off you freak.

Anything you guys want to ask Lemminkaenen?

Also, thanks Cate for the well wishes. I forgot to thank you before.

Lemminkaenen

I don't know where to begin.

I suppose I should start the morning of the fourth, around 1 AM.

I've been having trouble with my sleep cycle. I've found myself both not sleeping at all or sleeping too much. On the evening of the third, I was able to get to sleep, but unable to stay asleep. I went to bed around 10 PM and found myself wide awake at 1 AM. I tried to drift back to sleep, but my mind was racing. I got up for a bit, watched an episode of Tales From The Crypt, and tried to get back to sleep. It was then that I experience the strangest sensation I've ever felt. I simultaneously felt my body fall asleep and my mind race as if I were the most awake I had been in weeks. I was afraid to open my eyes at first, but I felt compelled to do so and I heard a voice calling from a long way away.
I opened my eyes and found that I was actually standing next to my bed. I glanced back and saw my body sleeping soundly and peacefully on the bed. I have never experienced terror like I did in that moment, but something whispered in my ear that it was okay and that I had to go on. I heard a voice calling me out of my room, out of my apartment and into the building's stairwell.

I went through these doors and found myself in a part of my building that I've never seen before. I live on the top floor of my building, but instead of the stairwell dead-ending into the fire ladder that goes to the roof, I found a stairwell leading up into the unknown. The voice was coming from the top of the stairs and the banister was lined with lights that glittered like stars.
I climbed these stairs, full of fear and curiosity. I didn't know where they were going or who was calling me at the top, but I knew I had to climb these stairs. I knew if I didn't I'd be doomed to wander in the dark. I glanced back and saw that the lights were going out as I moved forward. I couldn't go back.

The voice was getting clearer and came in like a bell as I climbed the last few stairs. When I got to the top I found myself peering into an old gold framed mirror. It was like the ones you see on old dressing tables. It was simultaneously a mirror, and not. I wasn't looking at myself in the mirror, I was looking at the color reverse of myself. That entity that visited me in bed a while back. He was staring at me, calling my name, with his hand pressed against the glass. He couldn't reach me, but he kept whispering for me to reach for him. I hesitated, but he began begging me to hurry. Finally, I pushed my hand forward and instead of encountering glass, my hand slipped through, as if going through a puddle. It had the same feel too, both warming and cooling at the same time. He didn't grab at my hand, instead he offered his arm to me and simply told me to pull. As soon as I grabbed his arm he came through the mirror and was standing next to me. He took my arm in his and began descending the stairs with me, the lights coming back on as we went, and becoming brighter as we went along.

When we got back to my room I climbed back into my bed and my body, and he stood watch. He told me that he'd be able to communicate with me while I slept, but he can't speak to me while I'm awake. He can see everything I see, and read everything I read but he can't influence me bodily without weakening himself significantly. He's agreed to accompany me to my next meeting with Micah and analyze the previous conversations I've had with him. Last night, after my tweet, I spoke to him again. He said he needs more time and he should have some sort of better analysis soon. He wants to see Micah as much as I do. Hopefully he'll pull me into the second world again soon.

Not feeling well again

Very short update about my health, just because it's too long to twitter. I don't know what is going on with me, I've been having some muscular stiffness and weakness since Tuesday. I noticed when I was walking across my unreasonably large campus. For some reason, my legs just stopped working correctly and I had trouble moving at anything above old-geezer speed. Usually I'm pretty loose because of my former athletic lifestyle, but since that day my muscles have felt like I hadn't moved or used them in years. My boyfriend suggested it was the recent trips to the gym, but I hadn't been to the gym in a few days. I'm a little concerned.

On top of that, I've found myself sleeping more than I usually do. That's actually really an accomplishment. I usually nap an hour or two a day, but now I've found myself napping almost 6 hours a day with the normal 8 hours I get every night. That's 14 hours of sleep. I slept all day today. Granted I was out having fun all day yesterday, but usually sleeping until 5 in the afternoon, only getting up for lunch, comes after a night of heavy drinking and dancing. Last night I had one beer and played board games with friends.

So yeah, my health is in question at the moment. On the dream front I've seen the Slender Man again as I'm descending into the third world. I've stopped even trying to get to the second world. I'm fairly certain that only Micah can pull me in anyway. The Slender Man didn't have any messages, not even about trespassing being forbidden. He just stood, non-staring at me. He was actually closer than before. I could also hear some sort of high pitched whistle sound, like that tone that only young people can hear. I hate that sound. Also, nothing with Lemminkaenen. He/she/it is leaving me alone. I stopped taking the allergy meds and I think that's why.

This short update is way longer than it was supposed to be. TL;DR version: I'm weak and I can't sleep. Saw Slender in descent, haven't seen Lemminkaenen or Micah.

Hypnagogia

Hypnagogia is the state between wakefulness and dreams.

Hypnagogia is often accompanied by hallucinations.

I was drifting off yesterday during a light rain storm and I had a vivid hypnagogic hallucination.

I was in my bed, when a specter came to me. She stood over me, and I slowly realized it was a mirror image of myself with very little pigment. Her skin was fairer, hair was white blond, and her eyes lacked all color. She stared at me, and began to speak.
"Reach out [Anomie]. You must reach out,"
I couldn't respond. Hypnagogia is often accomapnied by paralysis. She spoke again.
"You must listen [Anomie]. The others . . . " and although I could see her lips moving, I couldn't hear what she was saying. Everything was covered over by static like you hear on the radio when you're just getting out of range of the station's signal.
She realized what had happened and stopped. She started again, and I could hear her this time.
"[Anomie] reach out before its dark. We think, therefore we are," She reached her hand toward me, and her hand was stopped just above my bed. Her palm flattened out as if it were pressed against glass.

Suddenly a crack of thunder snapped me out of the hypnagogic state I was in and she was gone.

I think I met Lemminkaenen. How do you suppose I reach out?

Descartes was not Finnish

So, happy Easter everyone. Or passover. Whatever you celebrate or don't celebrate.

Today was a good day, in fact, my week was pretty fine. Some spattering of dreams here and there. Nothing really notable until last night. Last night was some weird third world dream involving hybrid cat/rabbits that were as loyal as dogs. I apparently found one named Medina that I really loved, but my mom gave her away. I cried and cried until I said her name and she came charging back to me. There was also some stuff about running away to Germany and going clubbing with Keoki and Michael Alig, but none of that really matters.

What really matters is this

From Apr 24, 2011

From Apr 24, 2011

That was in my dream book when I opened it this morning to write the entry about the cat/rabbit. I have no idea what the hell that drawing is supposed to be. However, I do know that phrase. I took Latin in highschool and Philosophy in college. That's a play on Descartes' "Cogito ergo sum" or "I think, therefore I am," Instead, this means "We think, therefore we are," Of course, right after that is the signature of our beloved "Lemminkaenen".

I have not, to my knowledge, had a seizure since the last one. I don't know when I wrote this. As with the last one, that is definitely my handwriting. That would also appear to be one of my terrible excuses for art. I haven't written in my dream book since April 16th, so this could have happened anytime between now and then.

Another interesting note, I've been hearing voices again as I'm drifting to sleep. I thought it was due to the allergy meds I've been taking, but now I'm not sure. The voice is always the same, and it seems to be saying something like "mira" or "mirror" and "not alone".

What the hell is going on?

A short update

So, I'm just updating for the sake of updating.

First, health wise I'm feeling better. I think I had a cold. Now I'm just dealing with those good ole' seasonal allergies. That is taken care of very simply by some benedryl (my bestest friend) at night. Other than the mild reaction to the horror that is spring, I'm okay. I must have been doing sit-ups in my sleep though because my abs are killing me.

Second, I was thinking about what Micah told me. The whole thing about time and death. If you haven't guessed by the name of my journal, I'm a big fan of H.P. Lovecraft. It hit me while I was doing my usual routine of nothing this morning. A great quote that anyone who has even heard of Lovecraft would know:

That is not dead which can eternal lie.
And with strange aeons even death may die.

I don't know why that occurred to me. I've long considered that Lovecraft's use of dreams in his stories might have meant more than just the musings of a creative mind. I don't believe in Cthulhu, but I do believe that the mind can travel and that there are worlds beyond our own that can be attained. It's stupid spiritualist bullshit, but if you'd seen what I've seen you would know the feeling.

Third, the whole "Lemminkaenen" thing is bothering me. I was thinking about the old Finnish mythology that considered the soul as being able to leave the body and that epileptic fits are when the soul goes wandering. What if, while a soul was wandering, another entity could inhabit the body? I couldn't have been shaking when I wrote that note. I also have no recollection of doing it. I've told you that when I first come back from a seizure my body doesn't always feel like my own. What if I take a backseat when my own consciousness was weakened? What if there was something else that could drive me? I don't believe in possession, but I do believe in the subconscious. I don't want to believe I'm being possessed, but I also don't want to believe that my mind is hiding things from me.

Any thoughts?

I saw Micah

I saw him again. I was so happy. However, what he had to say ruined that fairly swiftly.

I came, as I always do, from the side of the house facing the main road. I saw him sitting on the front stoop picking petals off of a flower. When he looked up he took a beat to look at me. A moment later he was running towards me.
"What did you do?" he shouted as he came to a stop.
"What?" I replied, puzzled.
"Why did you forget your pills?" He was shaking, and it was hard to understand him. I grabbed his arm and he stopped.
"How did you know?" I asked.
"I could see you coming. I could hear your thoughts in this world. You can never miss those pills, you can never have seizures [Anomie]! He'll find you!"
"Who will find me?"
"I can't tell you that. That's what you have to figure out. I need you to understand. You CANNOT forget those pills. Ever. Promise me,"
"What?"
"Promise me, [Anomie]!"
"I promise,"
"Good. Now walk with me," he said as we began to walk towards the neighborhood where I had seen the white thing. I hesitated.
"Come on. Don't worry. The wraith is gone. It found what it was looking for,"
"The goatee man?"
"Yes. He was a heretic. He chose the wrong trespasser to warn, and was killed for the trouble. He tried to use you to bargain, but you were too quick. You must remember those pills [Anomie] for the sake of us both,"
"Okay," We were now in front of the house of the man who had tried to use me as a shield. The windows were broken out, and there was what looked like blood on the front stoop. Micah just looked at me. I nodded. I got the message.
"[Anomie] what happens to time when we are asleep?"
"It passes,"
"How do we know?"
"Because the numbers on the clock change, and the sun rises,"
"How do we know when time ends?"
"Time never ends. Time is eternal,"
"Then what is death?"
"What?"
"If time is eternal, what is death?"
"What are you trying to tell me?"
"If time is eternal, then death will not end it. If death will not end time, then what happens to time when all people on Earth die? Time cannot stop, there must always be time keepers,"
"I don't know what you're saying!" I cried, tears in my eyes. I had no idea what he was trying to tell me.
"What color is the sky now, [Anomie]?"
I looked up, expecting the same twilight I had always experienced. Instead, the sky was darker, as if the sun was finally setting. "It's almost dark,"
"Yes, it's almost dark. I will see you again when it's dark. Wake up,"

And, as with the last meeting between Micah and I, I was ejected out of the dream. What the hell is all this about time and death? I can't even figure out what he's talking about. No matter how much I think on it. I dunno, I'm tired and have some sort of cold. I need to sleep. I'm open to any ideas.

I don't know what's wrong

I haven't been feeling so well recently. The mood swings have gotten worse since the seizure. I'll be happy one moment only to fall into the deepest depression the next. It's actually terrifying. I don't know what triggered it. They seemed to start after I named Micah. I'm scared.

In other news, I haven't been able to find Slender Man in Finnish myth yet. I asked Dr. Cairo on his U-stream but he had no answer. If you have a link feel free to post it. However, I did find out that epilepsy was a sign of a holy person in their old religion. They believed that when a soul left the body, the body quaked. The theory was that in that state they could travel to the land of the dead and seek their wisdom. Spooky, and quite interesting.

Research and findings

So, a great big thanks to Sam, Trinora and Anon for pointing out that the phrase on the note was Finnish. Also, a great big thanks to Sam for doing the google translate work and the link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lemminkäinen . I actually checked for myself after having been told it was Finnish, and google translate actually still gives me "Check the folder"(more on that later).

Also, a great big thanks to Trinora for pointing out that the drawn cello actually looks like Slender Man. It's interesting that I somehow got a tall skinny man confused with an instrument. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day.

It seems that Lemminkäinen was a great hero in Finnish mythology. His story is that died and rose from the dead and historians think he is analogous to the viking deity Balder. I'm actually familiar with Balder's story and he is more prominently featured as the king of the gods after the final battle of Ragnarok. I can't really say who or what would be "Beloved Lemminkäinen". If it's me it might be a bad omen, if it's someone else it's a worse omen.

As for the first part of the message (which I saved for last) I checked every folder I own before it dawned on me that part of the reason I bought that journal was because it has a small pocket in the back that I had meant to put clippings and such in. When I checked it, I found this:

From the german note

From the german note

It is a piece of paper(torn from the notebook itself) folded like a envelope. When I unfolded it I found these passages:

From the german note

From the german note

Lucky for me I can read this one. I'm not sure why the first message was in Finnish and the second was in German, but then again I do a lot of things that don't make when I'm in a post seizure state.

The first passage is something I saw carved into a table in a German bar. I didn't really pay it much attention when I first saw it and didn't bother taking a picture, as it seemed unimportant. I had completely forgotten about it until now.

It says:

Here are the words:
Come little children
in my burning embrace
we will with one another go
and learn the secrets of the eternal

Which is bizarre, and I have no more idea now what it says than I did then. I'm open to all interpretations because it seems like gibberish.

The second one, however, really interested me. Here is how I've seen it translated:

"He calls it Reason—thence his power's increased,
To be far beastlier than any beast."

"Auch, vergessen nicht" just means "also, don't forget" and is not part of the quote.

It's actually a line from Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe's epic Faust. When Mephistopheles (that's the devil and villain in the story) visits God in heaven he has a conversation with him in which he proclaims that humanity is stupid and he has no idea why they are paid any attention. The "beastlier than any beast" line is actually one of my favorites in the play, with "Prologue in Heaven" being my favorite chapter.

I can't really figure out why I did this. Wires tend to get crossed when I seize and it isn't uncommon for me to say or do things that don't make any sense.

I left a note?

I was going to post about a third world dream I had, but in reviewing the dream in my dream journal I found something far more interesting than monsters like octorocks and whiny girls wanting ice cream instead of food. When I opened my diary, I found this:

Apr 6, 2011

It's a drawing of what looks like a really messed up cello and some words in a language I'm not familiar with. That is certainly my handwriting, but I don't have any idea what language it is or what it says. I only have any knowledge of two languages outside of English and those are Spanish and German, both of which this is decidedly not.

If anyone has any idea what language this is, it'd be nice to know what it says. I suppose I wrote this in my post-seizure trance state. I've begun keeping track of my dreams right when I wake up (and apparently while I'm not fully awake because the phrase "escape the sabon" doesn't make any sense)and maybe I was performing a routine in trance. Any help is much appreciated.

Another e-mail

Oh god, I'm so sorry.

Subject: Thanks

Body: TR VH KB ZD UD NI YI LA TV FY SE EF NX CS HA DZ IC KA DM RW PO
QH ET HA MU SV KB GR VR OP
XH AS AH KB FG CQ RN PO
RW PO RG YI CS FL KD LA HA CZ DK LD
VR OU AM DL NI XH VD NQ DU

Play Fair

Translation: now theyere all involved s
maybe they can help you
sk them to help you o
tch them fail you
ou pl xl
be mine in the x end n
ur kind always are r

I'm so, so, sorry guys.

The E-mails

Some jerk has been sending me encoded e-mails. Here is the album on my google profile. It's public, so hopefully it will work

https://picasaweb.google.com/113366809336573838467/Apr42011?feat=directlink

The first two I received were in morse, which I'm familiar with. Here are the translations:

April 1 (morning)

Subject: Hello Anomie

Body: He can't see you, but I can.

Evening:

Subject:Pleasentdreams

Body: VERGESSEN SIE NICHT

BETRETEN VERBOTEN
BETRETEN VERBOTEN
BETRETEN VERBOTEN
BETRETEN VERBOTEN
BETRETEN VERBOTEN
BETRETEN VERBOTEN
BETRETEN VERBOTEN
BETRETEN VERBOTEN
BETRETEN VERBOTEN
BETRETEN VERBOTEN
BETRETEN VERBOTEN
BETRETEN VERBOTEN
BETRETEN VERBOTEN
BETRETEN VERBOTEN
BETRETEN VERBOTEN


I don't know if his name is "Play Fair" or "Rat Atattat" but I'm getting rather annoyed. Please help. I want to know what I should say to this sick freak.

A new name for an old friend

I saw him again. It was in the same place as before. He approached me and smiled. "Welcome back [Anomie]. I've been calling for you for quite some time."
"I know, I couldn't find my way back."
"Understandable. Sometimes the door is hard to find in the dark. Walk with me."
He began walking towards the woods behind my parents' house. I noticed that he was shaking hard and having trouble walking straight. I walked up behind him and grasped his hand to make him stop shaking. He smiled at me and began to speak.
"[Anomie] what do you think of the sky?"
It was twilight, as always, so I told him it was beautiful.
"But you didn't even look at it,"
"I know what the sky looks like,"
"Just look,"
I glanced up and noticed that there were two suns. I was speechless.
"You'd never see anything like that on Earth. It really is quite lovely. I can't wait to see the sunrise,"
"Does the sun never rise here?"
"Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies,"
"What?"
"I will lie if I have to, but I don't want to. I don't want you to believe lies when you are desperately seeking the truth. You never know who's listening here,"
I looked to my right and about 50 yards off was the Slender Man just standing and watching. I gasped, not out of fear, but more out of surprise. He was just standing in a neighbor's backyard with that curious look on his non-face.
"Not him. Once we're here he doesn't care anymore. He doesn't care about me, and he can't see you. He wants to know why. He doesn't want you, he just wants an answer. It's the Others I'm worried about,"
"Who are the others?"
"Ask me no questions. . ."
"Fine. Can you tell me your name?"
"I don't have one yet,"
"What?"
"Until the sun rises I won't have a name,"
"Should I keep calling you spazz?"
"I wouldn't prefer it,"
"Then what should I call you?"
"Whatever you'd like,"
I thought for a moment, and before I could really choose one of the names I had listed in my head I blurted out "Micah. I'll call you Micah,"
"I won't argue. That is a fairly nice name. I don't think it was what I was called before, but I don't mind,"
"What do you mean before?"
"Not now. Wake up,"
And I woke up. I'm a little bit pissed at spazz, now Micah, because I'm sure he's the one that forced me out, and I don't know why. I also don't know how to get back to him again. Amazingly frustrating, finally getting to him and getting denied the answers that I want. I suppose I need to find a way to ask him questions in some roundabout way that will throw whomever "the Others" are off. If anyone who reads this has an idea please tell me. At least I learned a little, and have a real name for my friend.

P.s: Whoever keeps e-mailing me, if you've got something to say sat it in plain English. If it's important enough to send me two e-mails a day you might want to tell me straight up. I don't do cryptography.

A short update

As I said in my twitter, I've not been sleeping well. It could be due to my unfortunate habit of putting on movies while I sleep, or because I'm somewhat stressed over school and work. I'm actually quite concerned by it though, not because of my inability to dream but because I don't want to start having seizures again. I had some myoclonic twitching earlier today and it freaked me out a bit. It's not that I don't occasionally get them, but it's recently been confined to when I'm going to sleep. This was as I was walking to class from a nap in the library.

While I haven't had a true dream since the nightmare, which I still get shudders and heart palpitations from, I've been hearing faint voices as I've been falling asleep. I can never make out what they say, only the sound of whispers. I also have minor flashes of the third world dreams but I can't remember them properly. I have to stop neglecting my physical dream journal.

This weekend I'm going to do a short experiment with a sleep aid that I've found tends to allow me to remember my dreams better. Alcohol, hot peanuts and chocolate haven't worked, why not give an antihistamine a try.

The Nightmare

God, it was bad last night. I made it to the second world again, but I was only half in. I could feel myself tossing in my bed, but I could also feel myself moving about there. It was quite an unfortunate thing. I couldn't hear what the new person I met was saying to me, it was. . . odd. Let me start from the beginning.

When I went to bed last night I was tired, but I wasn't. I was still awake as I drifted into what would be a day dream, but not a restful slumber. I think that allowed me to travel between the first two worlds without having to dive into the third before resurfacing. Very interesting. I have to take note.

Either way, I found myself in an area previously unexplored. It was a neighborhood not too far from the one my parents live in, but again it was twlight. I went into a new house there and met a party of people, something like 7. All but one were placeholders. The one that wasn't was a somewhat younger looking man with a bald head and a scruffy beard. He addressed me, but I couldn't hear him. It was something like the sound a TV makes when it's all snow. Not quite static, more  like white noise. My subconsious was able to carry on a conversation with him, but I have no idea what I said.

The party ended and everyone decided to crash on the floor of the living room. I ended up lying next to the person I'd been talking too. I attempted to drift in the second world too, and maybe get an actual restful sleep, but I couldn't, as my corpereal body wouldn't relax in our world either. I'm now very VERY glad I didn't drift off.

I kept looking up at the door of the house, which was left open because the night was so fine. I would toss, look at the door, toss, look again. I felt like something very bad was going to come through that door. About 5 this morning that thing came.

I only called it the rake in my twitter feed because that's the only thing I could describe it as at the time. What had slipped through the door was a man-like thing of outstanding height and muscle tone. The thing had no secondary sex characteristics visible, although it was completely nude. The skin was as white as paper and had some sort of sheen in the moonlight that made it look like it might be wet. It had eyes that glowed bright red with its own inner light, no nose to speak of, no lips, but a sinister grin which bared age browned fangs. It was salivating, I know that now, after reviewing my dream, over and over. I'm sure it was going to eat me after it stabbed me with the razor sharp claws it had on its right hand.

Now I realize it wasn't the rake. The rake, in the creepy pasta and other descriptions walks on all fours like a dog. This thing, however, walked upright like a man. I was able to jerk myself out of sleep by screaming because I was partially lucid through the entire ordeal, but not before I realized that the person I had met was trying to use me as a shield. That thing was after him. I don't know why.

I don't know the consequences of dying in the second world, but I aim to never find out. From now on I'm not going to wander in the second world if I'm not with spazz. I have no reason to trust him either, but he hasn't tried to use me as a shield yet.

I also have no idea what that thing was. I don't know if it's an entity tied to Slender Man or if it's a separate evil of the second world. I honestly don't care to find out. I've never been so scared by a nightmare before. What an ordeal.

Already tired ; No coffee

Went out with some friends last night. It was so nice to get out of the house for once. The whole thing about epileptics not being allowed to drive until having been seizure free has made it damn near impossible for me to get a license. Between work and class I have no time to take the driving classes required in my state. It was quite unfortunate that I didn't get my seizures under control until college. Oh well, when I graduate I should have some spare time, and I'll be moving back in with my parents so I work part time for a bit maybe. Or at least a normal day job and go to driving school at night.

I tried the spicy/salty thing again last night. Partially to experiment and partially because I'm fat and I love 7/11 Jamaican beef pies :>. Alas, no nightmares, but I did surface for a moment because I thought someone was pounding on the apartment door. I wasn't completely awake, but I was awake enough to sit up and think about getting out of bed. I didn't, of course, being the lazy ass I am and went back to bed. It's an interesting feeling, being awake enough to open your eyes, but asleep enough to dive right back into dreams.

On that subject, no dreams of note from last night. However, for the past two mornings I've been woken up 8:30 sharp by agonizing pains in my legs. I have bad knees from childhood activities and they tend to get set off by cold and activity. Last nights bowling/dancing is understandable, but Friday night wasn't that cold nor did I do anything but laze about my room all day. I've only ever gotten that ache during snow storms or when my boyfriend stupidly leaned on my knees while getting out of bed. It's like someone was sitting on them.

On a side note: No more bowling! Or dancing! Ever! Even my back hurts >.<

I remember!

I was meditating on the phrase I heard while passing through the split between the first and second worlds today and I remembered where I had heard it. I spent a little time in Germany a few years ago and I saw a sign that said "Betreten Verboten". I remember so little German, but the street signs stuck with me because I needed to know what they meant for my own saftey. I didn't hear "Be Tree Ten, Ver Boat Ten" I heard "Betreten Verboten"! In English that's "No Trespassing". I can only assume that means that I'm not supposed to be able to access the second world in the way that I do. I can't willfully do it in any case. Not with the Slender Man watching. He can't see me, but he knows I'm there. I need to wait and stumble there like I did before.

In any case, it's a waiting game. I opened up a twitter, if anyone is reading and wants to follow me there: http://twitter.com/#!/withlovecraft

Three worlds

Last night was a purely run of the mill nightmare. People were yelling at me for reasons I don't remember. 
Instead of explaining that dream, because it was both boring and upsetting, I have a theory that I feel like I have to post even if it is never read. Our minds exist in 3 worlds. These worlds are the "home world" which would be the world we exist in as corporeal beings with physical bodies. The second "dream world" which consists of our subconscious dreams and nightmare (those which are purely our minds. The third is the "between world" which is a second level of consciousness that we can only dwell in if we are not in our physical state, but no longer in the second world.

What I have been experiencing as I come out of the dream world is the passage way between the second and first world. I have still not been able to access the second world lucidly or through my own will. I don't know how to get there on my own. I can only hope that I am dragged in again, or pass through the door accidentally as I have previously. If not, the only way I'll be able to get in is by being lucid. I'm trying different techniques to become lucid, but I don't know how long that will take.

As a note, I tried chocolate to bring on a nightmare. It worked spectacularly, but I went to the third world instead of the second world and had a more upsetting nightmare than I've had in a while. I've also been trying the "spicy and salty" trick, but something has been wrong with my stomach for the past 2 weeks and the cramps it causes makes it impossible to sleep.

Passing Through

Last night I did not dream in "slender realm", instead my dream was a run-of-the-mill nightmare. I know this because there were too many people around. I think the best way to  determine between the Slender Realm and run-of-the-mill dream world is the lack of a population. From what I've heard in reading their accounts of their nightmares with Slenderman, the world is usually empty except for them. There have been instances of children in the slender nightmares of others, but they rapidly disappear.

However, while the dream itself was not a slender dream, I believe as I came to consiousness I passed through the area that I can use to access the slender realm. I heard Spazz's voice calling from one side. Just calling my name. On the other I heard a pulsing sound. It was six separate beats. First I attempted to go toward Spazz's voice, but some sort of wall was blocking my path. I turned around and saw Slenderman far off in the distance. He was just standing. I was being compelled toward him, and as I got closer the six beats got louder. I began to notice they had separate sounds, like a system of drums. The closer I got, the clearer the sounds became it sounded like "Be Tree Ten Ver Boat Ten". This continued as I got closer, then the ham radio voice began again, as a whisper "I can't see you" again and again, getting more drowned out by the static like the close I got to Slenderman.

Then I woke up.

I do not know what "Be Tree Ten Ver Boat Ten" means, but I feel like I know that phrase from somewhere. I'm going to ruminate on this for a bit, and see if I can make any sense out of it.

A blank dream

I didn't dream last night. At least, not in full. I have a vague recollection of a conversation with myself. I sometimes have them when I'm awake as a way to work out problems, either when I'm writing a paper or when I'm trying to focus on dream recovery. I tend to talk in my sleep, it's usually nonsense. I can't remember a time when I didn't do it. I used to sleep walk when I was very young as well, but that stopped. I think I started talking more when I started on the high dose of lamitrogine (450mg, the maximum therapeutic level). Again, anything that messes with your brain tends to have interesting side effects. Sometimes I can remember what I say, but that's often only when I have someone else in the room to clarify exactly what it was that I said. Other than that instance, I traditionally only have the memory of feeling my vocal chords vibrate in my throat and some sort of syllables.

The only thing I could think of when I woke up were some lyrics from "Fall of Adam" by Marilyn Manson:

"When one world ends
something else begins
but without a scream
just a whisper because we
just start it over again"

I am firmly of the belief that where I go when I sleep is a different dimension. I really want to call it "The Twilight Realm" but I think that has more to do with me being a Zelda fan (or my unfortunate obsession with Taylor Lautner). It isn't really a world of perpetual twilight, but when I'm there it always seems to be sunset or dusk. I have this urge to contact "spazz" again. I think if I can contact what I will call an "animated" in the dream world I might find out something about what the world really is. I know that what I will call "placeholders" can't give me any information. I think they are only shadows of real people who are slated to join the world in the future. Even still, the world is extremely under populated. there have been dreams where I haven't encountered any placeholders. I'm really not sure why, maybe that's something I can ask spazz about.

The unfortunate thing about my dreaming is that I'm rarely lucid. I can only recall once where I was fully lucid and able to tell the person I was talking to that nothing there mattered because it was only a dream. I need to find a way to get lucid so I am not being pulled to certain places in my dreams and I can find spazz to talk to him. Here's to hoping.

A backlog

It came to me a moment ago, and I thought I should share. About 2 or 3 weeks back I had a dream. It wasn't what I would call a nightmare, but it was still a dream that I woke up feeling odd from. I don't remember most of it, but I do remember the very end. The dream came to an end at my parent's house, but the person who came out to greet me wasn't my mother, father or brother. Instead it was a tall man with long brown hair and fantastic blue eyes. I do not believe I know this man in real life, but he seemed very familiar. He bore a resemblance to and old boyfriend (or two, I'm very predictable in that sense), but wasn't any of them I could recall. We spoke as we walked away from the house. The sun was setting in the dream, and the whole landscape was painted with that bright orange light that only exists on a sunset for a beautiful summer day, that light that makes the world seem to be absolutely ablaze.

He said to me "You and I are very alike [Anomie]".

I replied "Yeah, but I'm not a spazz". I said this because he had a different sort of disorder that made him shake constantly, like he was very cold.

He returned with "But you still shouldn't call me a spazz".

"Okay," I said, as I touched his arm and he stopped shaking. "But you're still a spazz". I removed my hand, he started to shake again and I woke up.

I didn't see the Slenderman here, but its of note that the world appeared to be on fire, and my parents live right in front of a heavily wooded area. This wooded area was forbidden to me as a kid. I wasn't allowed to go into it without my older brother (who wouldn't take me because he's an ass). Of course, I went into the woods often anyway. Nothing interesting except spice bushes, which were awesome if you liked the smell of oranges. I was never sure what they expected would be back there.

I still don't know who this man was, all I do know is he had brown hair, was taller than me (I'm short, so everyone else is tall) and his voice was raspy like mine. There is a possibility that this was another side of me, my opposite (male, tall and still shaking), or it could be a representation of someone I can interact with in the alternate dimension. All things considered, I rarely ever interact with people on the other side. This is one of the exceptions. He acknowledged me and approached me first. The only other times this happens in my dreams is when I get a phone call, or in the one instance of Slenderman. The people I typically dream of are usually like cardboard cutouts that have pre-programmed answers waiting when I ask questions. They are almost place holders.

If it is Slenderman's dimension that I'm accessing, maybe these place holders are for people who Slenderman is waiting to kidnap and drag to his dimension. It's a very empty place, almost like a new world waiting to be filled.

An introduction

I feel I need to introduce myself as fully as possible.

I am Anomie Nadir. A pseudonym to be sure. It means, for those who have not taken a course in sociology and don't remember many words from the SAT Anomie Nadir would mean "the lowest point of being alone". Or at least, that is how I take it. It could be taken two ways, feeling completely alone and in a crowd, or feeling so interconnected to everyone around you you couldn't possibly be alone. I feel both ways. I recently have been feeling more of the latter and less of the former. Here's why.

I have discovered the Slenderman.

Let me explain. I am an internet junkie and I had encountered the mythos before. I only recently began to see Slenderman in my dreams. This could be for two reasons: one, outside stimulus penetrating into my subconscious or two, I'm finally recognizing who a reoccurring character in my dreams is. Either way, I see him, but only in my dreams.

I have not seen Slenderman outside of my dreams, nor do I expect to. I believe he's been there for a very long time now, and has only recently begun to feature prominently. As a note, when I say dreams I mean nightmares. I have nightmares at least once a week, and in times of stress two or three. I have always had nightmares, but they only became more frequent when my neurologist upped my dose of lamitrogine to combat my seizure disorder. I am an epileptic, so you know. I've had seizures since I was 13, but about 2 years ago I got them under control. Before that, I had them every 3 months or so.

The seizures were short, but the effects lasted several days. After a seizure I would either fall into a deep and dreamless sleep or get up and try to walk around. I gave a dorm full of people quite a scare when I walked into their room (complete strangers) and told them my roommate locked me out of my room. I only know this because my RA came to my door a little later to ask if I was alright. I think they believed I was on drugs. Can't say I blame them, post seizure conversations rarely are logical. Except when I used the computer to tell the paramedics the date in the computer lab. They told me I cheated, and I told them I didn't. The next day my entire body would be sore. If you aren't familiar with the mechanism of a seizure, all of your muscles tense uncontrollably. This lasts for anywhere from seconds to minutes. The longest seizure I ever had was 3 minutes. It took me a week to recover. Sometimes these seizures would happen and the only way I knew I had them was because I was sore the next day. Epilepsy is an odd thing, quite interesting to observe, as I've been told, but seriously irritating to have.

The medicine I take is lamitrogine. Lamitrogine is both an anti-psychotic and an epilepsy treatment. Anything that messes with your brain function is prone to cause nightmares. The question is the severity. Mine are not very severe. Instead of being full night terrors, like some medications can cause, they are fairly mild. They usually consist of me being in a place I frequently am, school or the like, and it is a completely different place. I know where I am, but the place is so alien. My school develops a sort of mall underneath it, and the hills on campus have become even more unbearable. I call this these areas "strange places at home".

In reading the slenderman blogs, I have discovered that slenderman has his own dimension. I haven't been able to get a good read on this dimension, but it seems that the people who have been in it consider it a parallel to ours. I think this dimension is what I am visiting in my dreams. I can't explain why, but I know it somehow.

I have only encountered Slenderman directly once in this dimension. He was by the sociology building on my campus as I came out of section of the underground mall. He was looking at me with his eyeless face and I heard a voice that sounded like it was coming from a ham radio. It said simply "I can't see you". And this repeated over and over getting more faint through the static. I woke up with the normal malaise I have after having a nightmare, but I wasn't scared. Nightmares don't scare me usually. They, instead, just make me feel uncomfortable. Usually in the sense of a mild stomachache, but a cup of coffee and some sort of food usually puts that to rest.

I generally do not consider these dreams prophetic. I have only ever had one directly linking to reality and that was when a roommate of mine, whom I hated, stabbed me in the back (figuratively, of course) the morning after the dream. I dreamed that a snake she owned bit me and she wouldn't call the ER. I wasn't surprised. It was a long time coming really. The old saying goes "don't play with fire or you'll get burned". Messing with her was like messing with a live grenade, it was bound to blow up in my face eventually, it was only a matter of time.

I intend this blog to be about myself and my connection to slenderman. If I really am going into his dimension when I dream then I believe that some of the information I gather can help you. As a reminder, I am not a runner, nor a hunter, nor a reverent, nor a proxy/maskie/puppet/indoctrinate. I am me, I have not seen slenderman in real life, and if my interpretation of his message is correct, he cannot see me. This could mean in his dimension, or in our world.

Whatever that means, I am safe for now.

Ask me any questions you like, I will answer with a blog post. Other than posts answering questions the posts will be about dreams. If you don't want to ask questions in the comments in order to remain anonymous, you can e-mail me at withlovecraft@gmail.com and I will answer them in a blog post as well, but with no name attached.