A short update

As I said in my twitter, I've not been sleeping well. It could be due to my unfortunate habit of putting on movies while I sleep, or because I'm somewhat stressed over school and work. I'm actually quite concerned by it though, not because of my inability to dream but because I don't want to start having seizures again. I had some myoclonic twitching earlier today and it freaked me out a bit. It's not that I don't occasionally get them, but it's recently been confined to when I'm going to sleep. This was as I was walking to class from a nap in the library.

While I haven't had a true dream since the nightmare, which I still get shudders and heart palpitations from, I've been hearing faint voices as I've been falling asleep. I can never make out what they say, only the sound of whispers. I also have minor flashes of the third world dreams but I can't remember them properly. I have to stop neglecting my physical dream journal.

This weekend I'm going to do a short experiment with a sleep aid that I've found tends to allow me to remember my dreams better. Alcohol, hot peanuts and chocolate haven't worked, why not give an antihistamine a try.

The Nightmare

God, it was bad last night. I made it to the second world again, but I was only half in. I could feel myself tossing in my bed, but I could also feel myself moving about there. It was quite an unfortunate thing. I couldn't hear what the new person I met was saying to me, it was. . . odd. Let me start from the beginning.

When I went to bed last night I was tired, but I wasn't. I was still awake as I drifted into what would be a day dream, but not a restful slumber. I think that allowed me to travel between the first two worlds without having to dive into the third before resurfacing. Very interesting. I have to take note.

Either way, I found myself in an area previously unexplored. It was a neighborhood not too far from the one my parents live in, but again it was twlight. I went into a new house there and met a party of people, something like 7. All but one were placeholders. The one that wasn't was a somewhat younger looking man with a bald head and a scruffy beard. He addressed me, but I couldn't hear him. It was something like the sound a TV makes when it's all snow. Not quite static, more  like white noise. My subconsious was able to carry on a conversation with him, but I have no idea what I said.

The party ended and everyone decided to crash on the floor of the living room. I ended up lying next to the person I'd been talking too. I attempted to drift in the second world too, and maybe get an actual restful sleep, but I couldn't, as my corpereal body wouldn't relax in our world either. I'm now very VERY glad I didn't drift off.

I kept looking up at the door of the house, which was left open because the night was so fine. I would toss, look at the door, toss, look again. I felt like something very bad was going to come through that door. About 5 this morning that thing came.

I only called it the rake in my twitter feed because that's the only thing I could describe it as at the time. What had slipped through the door was a man-like thing of outstanding height and muscle tone. The thing had no secondary sex characteristics visible, although it was completely nude. The skin was as white as paper and had some sort of sheen in the moonlight that made it look like it might be wet. It had eyes that glowed bright red with its own inner light, no nose to speak of, no lips, but a sinister grin which bared age browned fangs. It was salivating, I know that now, after reviewing my dream, over and over. I'm sure it was going to eat me after it stabbed me with the razor sharp claws it had on its right hand.

Now I realize it wasn't the rake. The rake, in the creepy pasta and other descriptions walks on all fours like a dog. This thing, however, walked upright like a man. I was able to jerk myself out of sleep by screaming because I was partially lucid through the entire ordeal, but not before I realized that the person I had met was trying to use me as a shield. That thing was after him. I don't know why.

I don't know the consequences of dying in the second world, but I aim to never find out. From now on I'm not going to wander in the second world if I'm not with spazz. I have no reason to trust him either, but he hasn't tried to use me as a shield yet.

I also have no idea what that thing was. I don't know if it's an entity tied to Slender Man or if it's a separate evil of the second world. I honestly don't care to find out. I've never been so scared by a nightmare before. What an ordeal.

Already tired ; No coffee

Went out with some friends last night. It was so nice to get out of the house for once. The whole thing about epileptics not being allowed to drive until having been seizure free has made it damn near impossible for me to get a license. Between work and class I have no time to take the driving classes required in my state. It was quite unfortunate that I didn't get my seizures under control until college. Oh well, when I graduate I should have some spare time, and I'll be moving back in with my parents so I work part time for a bit maybe. Or at least a normal day job and go to driving school at night.

I tried the spicy/salty thing again last night. Partially to experiment and partially because I'm fat and I love 7/11 Jamaican beef pies :>. Alas, no nightmares, but I did surface for a moment because I thought someone was pounding on the apartment door. I wasn't completely awake, but I was awake enough to sit up and think about getting out of bed. I didn't, of course, being the lazy ass I am and went back to bed. It's an interesting feeling, being awake enough to open your eyes, but asleep enough to dive right back into dreams.

On that subject, no dreams of note from last night. However, for the past two mornings I've been woken up 8:30 sharp by agonizing pains in my legs. I have bad knees from childhood activities and they tend to get set off by cold and activity. Last nights bowling/dancing is understandable, but Friday night wasn't that cold nor did I do anything but laze about my room all day. I've only ever gotten that ache during snow storms or when my boyfriend stupidly leaned on my knees while getting out of bed. It's like someone was sitting on them.

On a side note: No more bowling! Or dancing! Ever! Even my back hurts >.<

I remember!

I was meditating on the phrase I heard while passing through the split between the first and second worlds today and I remembered where I had heard it. I spent a little time in Germany a few years ago and I saw a sign that said "Betreten Verboten". I remember so little German, but the street signs stuck with me because I needed to know what they meant for my own saftey. I didn't hear "Be Tree Ten, Ver Boat Ten" I heard "Betreten Verboten"! In English that's "No Trespassing". I can only assume that means that I'm not supposed to be able to access the second world in the way that I do. I can't willfully do it in any case. Not with the Slender Man watching. He can't see me, but he knows I'm there. I need to wait and stumble there like I did before.

In any case, it's a waiting game. I opened up a twitter, if anyone is reading and wants to follow me there: http://twitter.com/#!/withlovecraft

Three worlds

Last night was a purely run of the mill nightmare. People were yelling at me for reasons I don't remember. 
Instead of explaining that dream, because it was both boring and upsetting, I have a theory that I feel like I have to post even if it is never read. Our minds exist in 3 worlds. These worlds are the "home world" which would be the world we exist in as corporeal beings with physical bodies. The second "dream world" which consists of our subconscious dreams and nightmare (those which are purely our minds. The third is the "between world" which is a second level of consciousness that we can only dwell in if we are not in our physical state, but no longer in the second world.

What I have been experiencing as I come out of the dream world is the passage way between the second and first world. I have still not been able to access the second world lucidly or through my own will. I don't know how to get there on my own. I can only hope that I am dragged in again, or pass through the door accidentally as I have previously. If not, the only way I'll be able to get in is by being lucid. I'm trying different techniques to become lucid, but I don't know how long that will take.

As a note, I tried chocolate to bring on a nightmare. It worked spectacularly, but I went to the third world instead of the second world and had a more upsetting nightmare than I've had in a while. I've also been trying the "spicy and salty" trick, but something has been wrong with my stomach for the past 2 weeks and the cramps it causes makes it impossible to sleep.

Passing Through

Last night I did not dream in "slender realm", instead my dream was a run-of-the-mill nightmare. I know this because there were too many people around. I think the best way to  determine between the Slender Realm and run-of-the-mill dream world is the lack of a population. From what I've heard in reading their accounts of their nightmares with Slenderman, the world is usually empty except for them. There have been instances of children in the slender nightmares of others, but they rapidly disappear.

However, while the dream itself was not a slender dream, I believe as I came to consiousness I passed through the area that I can use to access the slender realm. I heard Spazz's voice calling from one side. Just calling my name. On the other I heard a pulsing sound. It was six separate beats. First I attempted to go toward Spazz's voice, but some sort of wall was blocking my path. I turned around and saw Slenderman far off in the distance. He was just standing. I was being compelled toward him, and as I got closer the six beats got louder. I began to notice they had separate sounds, like a system of drums. The closer I got, the clearer the sounds became it sounded like "Be Tree Ten Ver Boat Ten". This continued as I got closer, then the ham radio voice began again, as a whisper "I can't see you" again and again, getting more drowned out by the static like the close I got to Slenderman.

Then I woke up.

I do not know what "Be Tree Ten Ver Boat Ten" means, but I feel like I know that phrase from somewhere. I'm going to ruminate on this for a bit, and see if I can make any sense out of it.

A blank dream

I didn't dream last night. At least, not in full. I have a vague recollection of a conversation with myself. I sometimes have them when I'm awake as a way to work out problems, either when I'm writing a paper or when I'm trying to focus on dream recovery. I tend to talk in my sleep, it's usually nonsense. I can't remember a time when I didn't do it. I used to sleep walk when I was very young as well, but that stopped. I think I started talking more when I started on the high dose of lamitrogine (450mg, the maximum therapeutic level). Again, anything that messes with your brain tends to have interesting side effects. Sometimes I can remember what I say, but that's often only when I have someone else in the room to clarify exactly what it was that I said. Other than that instance, I traditionally only have the memory of feeling my vocal chords vibrate in my throat and some sort of syllables.

The only thing I could think of when I woke up were some lyrics from "Fall of Adam" by Marilyn Manson:

"When one world ends
something else begins
but without a scream
just a whisper because we
just start it over again"

I am firmly of the belief that where I go when I sleep is a different dimension. I really want to call it "The Twilight Realm" but I think that has more to do with me being a Zelda fan (or my unfortunate obsession with Taylor Lautner). It isn't really a world of perpetual twilight, but when I'm there it always seems to be sunset or dusk. I have this urge to contact "spazz" again. I think if I can contact what I will call an "animated" in the dream world I might find out something about what the world really is. I know that what I will call "placeholders" can't give me any information. I think they are only shadows of real people who are slated to join the world in the future. Even still, the world is extremely under populated. there have been dreams where I haven't encountered any placeholders. I'm really not sure why, maybe that's something I can ask spazz about.

The unfortunate thing about my dreaming is that I'm rarely lucid. I can only recall once where I was fully lucid and able to tell the person I was talking to that nothing there mattered because it was only a dream. I need to find a way to get lucid so I am not being pulled to certain places in my dreams and I can find spazz to talk to him. Here's to hoping.

A backlog

It came to me a moment ago, and I thought I should share. About 2 or 3 weeks back I had a dream. It wasn't what I would call a nightmare, but it was still a dream that I woke up feeling odd from. I don't remember most of it, but I do remember the very end. The dream came to an end at my parent's house, but the person who came out to greet me wasn't my mother, father or brother. Instead it was a tall man with long brown hair and fantastic blue eyes. I do not believe I know this man in real life, but he seemed very familiar. He bore a resemblance to and old boyfriend (or two, I'm very predictable in that sense), but wasn't any of them I could recall. We spoke as we walked away from the house. The sun was setting in the dream, and the whole landscape was painted with that bright orange light that only exists on a sunset for a beautiful summer day, that light that makes the world seem to be absolutely ablaze.

He said to me "You and I are very alike [Anomie]".

I replied "Yeah, but I'm not a spazz". I said this because he had a different sort of disorder that made him shake constantly, like he was very cold.

He returned with "But you still shouldn't call me a spazz".

"Okay," I said, as I touched his arm and he stopped shaking. "But you're still a spazz". I removed my hand, he started to shake again and I woke up.

I didn't see the Slenderman here, but its of note that the world appeared to be on fire, and my parents live right in front of a heavily wooded area. This wooded area was forbidden to me as a kid. I wasn't allowed to go into it without my older brother (who wouldn't take me because he's an ass). Of course, I went into the woods often anyway. Nothing interesting except spice bushes, which were awesome if you liked the smell of oranges. I was never sure what they expected would be back there.

I still don't know who this man was, all I do know is he had brown hair, was taller than me (I'm short, so everyone else is tall) and his voice was raspy like mine. There is a possibility that this was another side of me, my opposite (male, tall and still shaking), or it could be a representation of someone I can interact with in the alternate dimension. All things considered, I rarely ever interact with people on the other side. This is one of the exceptions. He acknowledged me and approached me first. The only other times this happens in my dreams is when I get a phone call, or in the one instance of Slenderman. The people I typically dream of are usually like cardboard cutouts that have pre-programmed answers waiting when I ask questions. They are almost place holders.

If it is Slenderman's dimension that I'm accessing, maybe these place holders are for people who Slenderman is waiting to kidnap and drag to his dimension. It's a very empty place, almost like a new world waiting to be filled.

An introduction

I feel I need to introduce myself as fully as possible.

I am Anomie Nadir. A pseudonym to be sure. It means, for those who have not taken a course in sociology and don't remember many words from the SAT Anomie Nadir would mean "the lowest point of being alone". Or at least, that is how I take it. It could be taken two ways, feeling completely alone and in a crowd, or feeling so interconnected to everyone around you you couldn't possibly be alone. I feel both ways. I recently have been feeling more of the latter and less of the former. Here's why.

I have discovered the Slenderman.

Let me explain. I am an internet junkie and I had encountered the mythos before. I only recently began to see Slenderman in my dreams. This could be for two reasons: one, outside stimulus penetrating into my subconscious or two, I'm finally recognizing who a reoccurring character in my dreams is. Either way, I see him, but only in my dreams.

I have not seen Slenderman outside of my dreams, nor do I expect to. I believe he's been there for a very long time now, and has only recently begun to feature prominently. As a note, when I say dreams I mean nightmares. I have nightmares at least once a week, and in times of stress two or three. I have always had nightmares, but they only became more frequent when my neurologist upped my dose of lamitrogine to combat my seizure disorder. I am an epileptic, so you know. I've had seizures since I was 13, but about 2 years ago I got them under control. Before that, I had them every 3 months or so.

The seizures were short, but the effects lasted several days. After a seizure I would either fall into a deep and dreamless sleep or get up and try to walk around. I gave a dorm full of people quite a scare when I walked into their room (complete strangers) and told them my roommate locked me out of my room. I only know this because my RA came to my door a little later to ask if I was alright. I think they believed I was on drugs. Can't say I blame them, post seizure conversations rarely are logical. Except when I used the computer to tell the paramedics the date in the computer lab. They told me I cheated, and I told them I didn't. The next day my entire body would be sore. If you aren't familiar with the mechanism of a seizure, all of your muscles tense uncontrollably. This lasts for anywhere from seconds to minutes. The longest seizure I ever had was 3 minutes. It took me a week to recover. Sometimes these seizures would happen and the only way I knew I had them was because I was sore the next day. Epilepsy is an odd thing, quite interesting to observe, as I've been told, but seriously irritating to have.

The medicine I take is lamitrogine. Lamitrogine is both an anti-psychotic and an epilepsy treatment. Anything that messes with your brain function is prone to cause nightmares. The question is the severity. Mine are not very severe. Instead of being full night terrors, like some medications can cause, they are fairly mild. They usually consist of me being in a place I frequently am, school or the like, and it is a completely different place. I know where I am, but the place is so alien. My school develops a sort of mall underneath it, and the hills on campus have become even more unbearable. I call this these areas "strange places at home".

In reading the slenderman blogs, I have discovered that slenderman has his own dimension. I haven't been able to get a good read on this dimension, but it seems that the people who have been in it consider it a parallel to ours. I think this dimension is what I am visiting in my dreams. I can't explain why, but I know it somehow.

I have only encountered Slenderman directly once in this dimension. He was by the sociology building on my campus as I came out of section of the underground mall. He was looking at me with his eyeless face and I heard a voice that sounded like it was coming from a ham radio. It said simply "I can't see you". And this repeated over and over getting more faint through the static. I woke up with the normal malaise I have after having a nightmare, but I wasn't scared. Nightmares don't scare me usually. They, instead, just make me feel uncomfortable. Usually in the sense of a mild stomachache, but a cup of coffee and some sort of food usually puts that to rest.

I generally do not consider these dreams prophetic. I have only ever had one directly linking to reality and that was when a roommate of mine, whom I hated, stabbed me in the back (figuratively, of course) the morning after the dream. I dreamed that a snake she owned bit me and she wouldn't call the ER. I wasn't surprised. It was a long time coming really. The old saying goes "don't play with fire or you'll get burned". Messing with her was like messing with a live grenade, it was bound to blow up in my face eventually, it was only a matter of time.

I intend this blog to be about myself and my connection to slenderman. If I really am going into his dimension when I dream then I believe that some of the information I gather can help you. As a reminder, I am not a runner, nor a hunter, nor a reverent, nor a proxy/maskie/puppet/indoctrinate. I am me, I have not seen slenderman in real life, and if my interpretation of his message is correct, he cannot see me. This could mean in his dimension, or in our world.

Whatever that means, I am safe for now.

Ask me any questions you like, I will answer with a blog post. Other than posts answering questions the posts will be about dreams. If you don't want to ask questions in the comments in order to remain anonymous, you can e-mail me at withlovecraft@gmail.com and I will answer them in a blog post as well, but with no name attached.