I'm not feeling right

It's bad enough to be packing and moving, but it's worse when you feel like there is someone watching you. That sick fuck is here. I know he is. I keep looking over my shoulder when I leave my building to put stuff in my Mom's car. I think every person who stalls in the parking lot is watching me, is ready to jump on me like I know that fuck will.

Lemminkaenen won't shut up. He keeps telling me to focus and calm down, that there is nothing to fear, that I'm in good hands with him and with my parents. Well fuck him. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He bugs me every night. I can sleep with him talking to me, trying to tell me to keep calm.

The few times I've been able to sleep, I've had vivid nightmares, about interplanetary beasts destroying the earth. The Slender Man is there, and he's using his non-eyes to stare at me. I can't hear it, but I know he's saying Betreten Verboten. Those beings destroy everything around me and leave fire in their wake. They can't touch me, even as they rip everyone else in the area to pieces.

The more I think about it, the more I think I know what it means. The more I know, the more I wish I was ignorant. I wish I didn't know. The pieces are falling together. I used to love puzzles as a child, seeing the picture develop as I put the pieces together. The clearer the picture in this puzzle becomes, the clearer it is to me that I just don't want to know.

Please, make it stop.

Just some quick stuff

I've heard nothing more from that freak, but I'm jumping whenever I see people outside of my building. I'm so sure he's here every morning when I wake up, but it's always just the same random people going to work, coming home from the late shift, or bringing packages. No one suspicious.

Lemminkaenen is going crazy. I can even hear him panicking while I'm awake. He told me last night that I need to get away from all of this. I need to get somewhere safe.

I haven't seen Micah, but when I pass through the corridor I always look for an opening where I can run into his world. I don't know what happened with the pills, I don't know if he's still okay.

I've been feeling shaky all week. I haven't seized yet, but something is wrong. My levels are all messed up. I don't know what to do.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I just feel like giving up.

The sick twisted freak

I was going to make a post informing you that I got my pills and that I'm feeling better. However, I'm suddenly feeling much MUCH worse. This is an e-mail that I got last night while I was sleeping.

From May 23, 2011

That black box? Yeah, that's my home address. That's where I fucking live. This bastard knows where I live. I'm looking into getting to a hotel for a while. Fortunately I'm moving in about 10 days. If I can, I'm going to spend the least time possible in my current house so that freak can't find me.

Who told him?

Burecratic horseshit!

So, last night when I went to take my nightly dose of lamictal I discovered that it was my last dose. I went to the pharmacy website to put a new order in and guess what? I have no refills. I figured, "Oh, I'll call my neuro in the morning and get this fixed. I can miss my morning dose,"

Well guess what? My neuro won't give me any refills. I need an appointment first. She wants to "check up" on my epilepsy. I tried to tell her that I was out of pills. But that doesn't matter, she seems to insist that I come in. She just desperately needs to drag me into her office 30 miles away for a 2 hour wait in her waiting room and then a 15 minute talk with her about my seizure disorder. I told her I can't be without my pills and suggested that she give me permission to have at least a 2 week supply.

She didn't fucking listen. I needed to have an appointment.

The next appointment she has is next Monday at 10 in the morning. I took it.

I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do.

Shit.

Micah and Lemminkaenen

I saw Micah again last night. Again, he spoke in riddles. Luckily I was able to bring Lemminkaenen with me and he seemed able to make some sense of what he had to say. He told me I would return to his world "when it was dark". Unsurprisingly night had finally fallen.
He was sitting on the stoop of the house that he's always at when I see him. Initially, he was wary of the presence of Lemminkaenen, but after a brief explanation of who he was and who I believed him to be, he seemed to relax a bit. I could tell he was guarded with what he told me, a bit more than usual, but Lemminkaenen still listened and tried to make sense of what he told me.
I realized something interesting when I first entered the world with Lemminkaenen, he was shaking too. When he looked at me he seemed very concerned and asked me why I was shaking. Apparently it isn't Micah who shakes, it's me. Lemminkaenen believes that it has something to do with where we were. He believes that instead of just another plain of existence, we were actually on another planet and that I had traveled through some bizarre quantum rift to get there. I'm not sure how true that is, but I can only accept him to be right. I have no evidence to the contrary.
When I finally got Micah talking about something OTHER than Lemminkaenen and his presence he told me that time was short and that there were some things I needed to know about where he was.
"Look at the sky [Anomie],"
I looked up and noticed that there was two moons in the sky. "That's interesting," I replied.
"[Anomie] those moons are rising quickly. The dawn is coming soon. The dawn will bring my new name, and I will forget you. I cannot stop them, and neither can you,"
"I figured as much," I glanced at Lemminkaenen and he seemed to be deep in thought. "Who are the others?" I blurted out to Micah, which seemed to interest Lemminkaenen quite a bit. Micah balked.
"[Anomie] you know I can't answer that,"
"Why not?" Lemminkaenen asked over my shoulder. Micah just stared past him, as much as he accepted Lemminkaenen's presence he refused to acknowledge anything he asked.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because I'm not entirely sure myself. I can tell you that they have existed always, and will exist always."
"Are they gods?"
"No,"
"Then what are they?"
"I don't know [Anomie]! I only know that they control what happens here and that they should not be crossed. That thing that you saw enforces their law. I also know that those pills keep you isolated from their thoughts. Once the dawn comes, all of their acts will be forgotten by all but a few, and even those will forget their function,"
"What about the Slender Man?"
"He is another of their enforcers, I think. He does what they cannot do,"
"What does he do?"
"I have dreams, sometimes [Anomie]. I see him in them. I see him in your world and I feel him touch me," He raised his sleeve and I saw a hideous burn mark "and then I wake up, screaming"
"I understand, I think. Micah, all the legends of the Slender Man say that he takes children. Why isn't he taking children anymore?"
"You know. You are the reason. You should know it better than anyone,"
"I don't understand,"
"Think hard [Anomie]. You'll know soon,"
"I hope,"
"[Anomie] please remember your pills. I'd like to see the dawn. Wake up,"
I didn't wake up, but I was once again launched out out the second world. Instead, I found myself sitting in the corridor between the worlds with Lemminkaenen. He looked thoughtful.
"[Anomie] do you know what he meant?"
"No,"
"I believe that what he told you is that people like you are the reason Slender Man is taking adults. He can't see you. Remember that your epilepsy started when you were thirteen? Those pills keep you from being seen by the Slender man, and I'm sure that whatever "The Others" are, they can't see you either,"
"So they are gods?"
"Perhaps that's the best word for them. I think that's what my era would have called them. I think that's the only word that you have that fits them. The one thing I now know for sure is that the Slender Man does drag people to that side, and he does it for the others,"
"Why?"
"I need to think about it. Let me have a few nights to think it over. I have an idea but I have to work on how to say it,"
"What's this about the dawn?"
"Give me a few days. Don't you have some papers to write?"
And I woke up.
I do have papers to write, and that's why this entry is kinda late. As soon as I hear from Lemminkaenen again you'll know.

Things my Companion Says

So, there is not much to tell you about Lemminkaenen. It's rather confusing when I realized that the person I saw in the mirror at the top of the stairs in my initial hallucination of that area was a woman. He suggested that it was my subconscious that was telling me where to go. He thinks that there might be part of me that knows the answers, but cannot tell me and that has become his job. Everything he has told me has been obvious to him and therefore should have been obvious to me, but for some reason I couldn't put it together for myself. I have a block.

I see him only in the corridor between worlds. He can come with me into the third world, but I'm not sure about the second. I will only know when Micah pulls me through. He can't tell me either, because that's something he doesn't know. So far, the things I haven't heard or honestly don't know he has no access to.

I can feel him. I can't hear him clearly in my mind until I'm asleep, but I can make out faint words of encouragement or whispered advice when I'm awake. He tells me that he has good advice because he's been alive for many more years than me, but I'm not so sure. He suggested more cake when he knows that cake will make me fat :P.

He just told me that cake is happiness and he just wants me happy. Jerk.

Anyway, on a more serious note, he made some sense of Micah's words. He suggested that my previous supposition that the second world is a new world waiting to be filled is true. This was through the information that Micah gave me through the statement of "I don't think that was my name before". Lemminkaenen believes that this means Micah once existed in our world and was taken to the second world by the Slender Man. The statement that "He doesn't care about us once we're here" makes that fairly obvious. He also thinks that it is only my disorder and pills that keep me from being seen by the Slender Man.

The things that Lemminkaenen says he is less sure of and needs clarification is who "The Others" are. He can't tell by the little information that he's been given what they are or what their connection to the second world is. He thinks it has something to do with Micah's statement about time and sleep. He's scared though, he doesn't like that we're unsure.

He also fears The Rat. He doesn't know what his motivations are, but he can tell it's no good. He's suggested that I have no contact with him and stop tweeting back. I happen to agree. However, still, fuck off you freak.

Anything you guys want to ask Lemminkaenen?

Also, thanks Cate for the well wishes. I forgot to thank you before.

Lemminkaenen

I don't know where to begin.

I suppose I should start the morning of the fourth, around 1 AM.

I've been having trouble with my sleep cycle. I've found myself both not sleeping at all or sleeping too much. On the evening of the third, I was able to get to sleep, but unable to stay asleep. I went to bed around 10 PM and found myself wide awake at 1 AM. I tried to drift back to sleep, but my mind was racing. I got up for a bit, watched an episode of Tales From The Crypt, and tried to get back to sleep. It was then that I experience the strangest sensation I've ever felt. I simultaneously felt my body fall asleep and my mind race as if I were the most awake I had been in weeks. I was afraid to open my eyes at first, but I felt compelled to do so and I heard a voice calling from a long way away.
I opened my eyes and found that I was actually standing next to my bed. I glanced back and saw my body sleeping soundly and peacefully on the bed. I have never experienced terror like I did in that moment, but something whispered in my ear that it was okay and that I had to go on. I heard a voice calling me out of my room, out of my apartment and into the building's stairwell.

I went through these doors and found myself in a part of my building that I've never seen before. I live on the top floor of my building, but instead of the stairwell dead-ending into the fire ladder that goes to the roof, I found a stairwell leading up into the unknown. The voice was coming from the top of the stairs and the banister was lined with lights that glittered like stars.
I climbed these stairs, full of fear and curiosity. I didn't know where they were going or who was calling me at the top, but I knew I had to climb these stairs. I knew if I didn't I'd be doomed to wander in the dark. I glanced back and saw that the lights were going out as I moved forward. I couldn't go back.

The voice was getting clearer and came in like a bell as I climbed the last few stairs. When I got to the top I found myself peering into an old gold framed mirror. It was like the ones you see on old dressing tables. It was simultaneously a mirror, and not. I wasn't looking at myself in the mirror, I was looking at the color reverse of myself. That entity that visited me in bed a while back. He was staring at me, calling my name, with his hand pressed against the glass. He couldn't reach me, but he kept whispering for me to reach for him. I hesitated, but he began begging me to hurry. Finally, I pushed my hand forward and instead of encountering glass, my hand slipped through, as if going through a puddle. It had the same feel too, both warming and cooling at the same time. He didn't grab at my hand, instead he offered his arm to me and simply told me to pull. As soon as I grabbed his arm he came through the mirror and was standing next to me. He took my arm in his and began descending the stairs with me, the lights coming back on as we went, and becoming brighter as we went along.

When we got back to my room I climbed back into my bed and my body, and he stood watch. He told me that he'd be able to communicate with me while I slept, but he can't speak to me while I'm awake. He can see everything I see, and read everything I read but he can't influence me bodily without weakening himself significantly. He's agreed to accompany me to my next meeting with Micah and analyze the previous conversations I've had with him. Last night, after my tweet, I spoke to him again. He said he needs more time and he should have some sort of better analysis soon. He wants to see Micah as much as I do. Hopefully he'll pull me into the second world again soon.

Not feeling well again

Very short update about my health, just because it's too long to twitter. I don't know what is going on with me, I've been having some muscular stiffness and weakness since Tuesday. I noticed when I was walking across my unreasonably large campus. For some reason, my legs just stopped working correctly and I had trouble moving at anything above old-geezer speed. Usually I'm pretty loose because of my former athletic lifestyle, but since that day my muscles have felt like I hadn't moved or used them in years. My boyfriend suggested it was the recent trips to the gym, but I hadn't been to the gym in a few days. I'm a little concerned.

On top of that, I've found myself sleeping more than I usually do. That's actually really an accomplishment. I usually nap an hour or two a day, but now I've found myself napping almost 6 hours a day with the normal 8 hours I get every night. That's 14 hours of sleep. I slept all day today. Granted I was out having fun all day yesterday, but usually sleeping until 5 in the afternoon, only getting up for lunch, comes after a night of heavy drinking and dancing. Last night I had one beer and played board games with friends.

So yeah, my health is in question at the moment. On the dream front I've seen the Slender Man again as I'm descending into the third world. I've stopped even trying to get to the second world. I'm fairly certain that only Micah can pull me in anyway. The Slender Man didn't have any messages, not even about trespassing being forbidden. He just stood, non-staring at me. He was actually closer than before. I could also hear some sort of high pitched whistle sound, like that tone that only young people can hear. I hate that sound. Also, nothing with Lemminkaenen. He/she/it is leaving me alone. I stopped taking the allergy meds and I think that's why.

This short update is way longer than it was supposed to be. TL;DR version: I'm weak and I can't sleep. Saw Slender in descent, haven't seen Lemminkaenen or Micah.