Wednesday, April 27, 2011


Hypnagogia is the state between wakefulness and dreams.

Hypnagogia is often accompanied by hallucinations.

I was drifting off yesterday during a light rain storm and I had a vivid hypnagogic hallucination.

I was in my bed, when a specter came to me. She stood over me, and I slowly realized it was a mirror image of myself with very little pigment. Her skin was fairer, hair was white blond, and her eyes lacked all color. She stared at me, and began to speak.
"Reach out [Anomie]. You must reach out,"
I couldn't respond. Hypnagogia is often accomapnied by paralysis. She spoke again.
"You must listen [Anomie]. The others . . . " and although I could see her lips moving, I couldn't hear what she was saying. Everything was covered over by static like you hear on the radio when you're just getting out of range of the station's signal.
She realized what had happened and stopped. She started again, and I could hear her this time.
"[Anomie] reach out before its dark. We think, therefore we are," She reached her hand toward me, and her hand was stopped just above my bed. Her palm flattened out as if it were pressed against glass.

Suddenly a crack of thunder snapped me out of the hypnagogic state I was in and she was gone.

I think I met Lemminkaenen. How do you suppose I reach out?

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Descartes was not Finnish

So, happy Easter everyone. Or passover. Whatever you celebrate or don't celebrate.

Today was a good day, in fact, my week was pretty fine. Some spattering of dreams here and there. Nothing really notable until last night. Last night was some weird third world dream involving hybrid cat/rabbits that were as loyal as dogs. I apparently found one named Medina that I really loved, but my mom gave her away. I cried and cried until I said her name and she came charging back to me. There was also some stuff about running away to Germany and going clubbing with Keoki and Michael Alig, but none of that really matters.

What really matters is this

From Apr 24, 2011

From Apr 24, 2011

That was in my dream book when I opened it this morning to write the entry about the cat/rabbit. I have no idea what the hell that drawing is supposed to be. However, I do know that phrase. I took Latin in highschool and Philosophy in college. That's a play on Descartes' "Cogito ergo sum" or "I think, therefore I am," Instead, this means "We think, therefore we are," Of course, right after that is the signature of our beloved "Lemminkaenen".

I have not, to my knowledge, had a seizure since the last one. I don't know when I wrote this. As with the last one, that is definitely my handwriting. That would also appear to be one of my terrible excuses for art. I haven't written in my dream book since April 16th, so this could have happened anytime between now and then.

Another interesting note, I've been hearing voices again as I'm drifting to sleep. I thought it was due to the allergy meds I've been taking, but now I'm not sure. The voice is always the same, and it seems to be saying something like "mira" or "mirror" and "not alone".

What the hell is going on?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A short update

So, I'm just updating for the sake of updating.

First, health wise I'm feeling better. I think I had a cold. Now I'm just dealing with those good ole' seasonal allergies. That is taken care of very simply by some benedryl (my bestest friend) at night. Other than the mild reaction to the horror that is spring, I'm okay. I must have been doing sit-ups in my sleep though because my abs are killing me.

Second, I was thinking about what Micah told me. The whole thing about time and death. If you haven't guessed by the name of my journal, I'm a big fan of H.P. Lovecraft. It hit me while I was doing my usual routine of nothing this morning. A great quote that anyone who has even heard of Lovecraft would know:

That is not dead which can eternal lie.
And with strange aeons even death may die.

I don't know why that occurred to me. I've long considered that Lovecraft's use of dreams in his stories might have meant more than just the musings of a creative mind. I don't believe in Cthulhu, but I do believe that the mind can travel and that there are worlds beyond our own that can be attained. It's stupid spiritualist bullshit, but if you'd seen what I've seen you would know the feeling.

Third, the whole "Lemminkaenen" thing is bothering me. I was thinking about the old Finnish mythology that considered the soul as being able to leave the body and that epileptic fits are when the soul goes wandering. What if, while a soul was wandering, another entity could inhabit the body? I couldn't have been shaking when I wrote that note. I also have no recollection of doing it. I've told you that when I first come back from a seizure my body doesn't always feel like my own. What if I take a backseat when my own consciousness was weakened? What if there was something else that could drive me? I don't believe in possession, but I do believe in the subconscious. I don't want to believe I'm being possessed, but I also don't want to believe that my mind is hiding things from me.

Any thoughts?

Friday, April 15, 2011

I saw Micah

I saw him again. I was so happy. However, what he had to say ruined that fairly swiftly.

I came, as I always do, from the side of the house facing the main road. I saw him sitting on the front stoop picking petals off of a flower. When he looked up he took a beat to look at me. A moment later he was running towards me.
"What did you do?" he shouted as he came to a stop.
"What?" I replied, puzzled.
"Why did you forget your pills?" He was shaking, and it was hard to understand him. I grabbed his arm and he stopped.
"How did you know?" I asked.
"I could see you coming. I could hear your thoughts in this world. You can never miss those pills, you can never have seizures [Anomie]! He'll find you!"
"Who will find me?"
"I can't tell you that. That's what you have to figure out. I need you to understand. You CANNOT forget those pills. Ever. Promise me,"
"Promise me, [Anomie]!"
"I promise,"
"Good. Now walk with me," he said as we began to walk towards the neighborhood where I had seen the white thing. I hesitated.
"Come on. Don't worry. The wraith is gone. It found what it was looking for,"
"The goatee man?"
"Yes. He was a heretic. He chose the wrong trespasser to warn, and was killed for the trouble. He tried to use you to bargain, but you were too quick. You must remember those pills [Anomie] for the sake of us both,"
"Okay," We were now in front of the house of the man who had tried to use me as a shield. The windows were broken out, and there was what looked like blood on the front stoop. Micah just looked at me. I nodded. I got the message.
"[Anomie] what happens to time when we are asleep?"
"It passes,"
"How do we know?"
"Because the numbers on the clock change, and the sun rises,"
"How do we know when time ends?"
"Time never ends. Time is eternal,"
"Then what is death?"
"If time is eternal, what is death?"
"What are you trying to tell me?"
"If time is eternal, then death will not end it. If death will not end time, then what happens to time when all people on Earth die? Time cannot stop, there must always be time keepers,"
"I don't know what you're saying!" I cried, tears in my eyes. I had no idea what he was trying to tell me.
"What color is the sky now, [Anomie]?"
I looked up, expecting the same twilight I had always experienced. Instead, the sky was darker, as if the sun was finally setting. "It's almost dark,"
"Yes, it's almost dark. I will see you again when it's dark. Wake up,"

And, as with the last meeting between Micah and I, I was ejected out of the dream. What the hell is all this about time and death? I can't even figure out what he's talking about. No matter how much I think on it. I dunno, I'm tired and have some sort of cold. I need to sleep. I'm open to any ideas.

Monday, April 11, 2011

I don't know what's wrong

I haven't been feeling so well recently. The mood swings have gotten worse since the seizure. I'll be happy one moment only to fall into the deepest depression the next. It's actually terrifying. I don't know what triggered it. They seemed to start after I named Micah. I'm scared.

In other news, I haven't been able to find Slender Man in Finnish myth yet. I asked Dr. Cairo on his U-stream but he had no answer. If you have a link feel free to post it. However, I did find out that epilepsy was a sign of a holy person in their old religion. They believed that when a soul left the body, the body quaked. The theory was that in that state they could travel to the land of the dead and seek their wisdom. Spooky, and quite interesting.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Research and findings

So, a great big thanks to Sam, Trinora and Anon for pointing out that the phrase on the note was Finnish. Also, a great big thanks to Sam for doing the google translate work and the link:äinen . I actually checked for myself after having been told it was Finnish, and google translate actually still gives me "Check the folder"(more on that later).

Also, a great big thanks to Trinora for pointing out that the drawn cello actually looks like Slender Man. It's interesting that I somehow got a tall skinny man confused with an instrument. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day.

It seems that Lemminkäinen was a great hero in Finnish mythology. His story is that died and rose from the dead and historians think he is analogous to the viking deity Balder. I'm actually familiar with Balder's story and he is more prominently featured as the king of the gods after the final battle of Ragnarok. I can't really say who or what would be "Beloved Lemminkäinen". If it's me it might be a bad omen, if it's someone else it's a worse omen.

As for the first part of the message (which I saved for last) I checked every folder I own before it dawned on me that part of the reason I bought that journal was because it has a small pocket in the back that I had meant to put clippings and such in. When I checked it, I found this:

From the german note

From the german note

It is a piece of paper(torn from the notebook itself) folded like a envelope. When I unfolded it I found these passages:

From the german note

From the german note

Lucky for me I can read this one. I'm not sure why the first message was in Finnish and the second was in German, but then again I do a lot of things that don't make when I'm in a post seizure state.

The first passage is something I saw carved into a table in a German bar. I didn't really pay it much attention when I first saw it and didn't bother taking a picture, as it seemed unimportant. I had completely forgotten about it until now.

It says:

Here are the words:
Come little children
in my burning embrace
we will with one another go
and learn the secrets of the eternal

Which is bizarre, and I have no more idea now what it says than I did then. I'm open to all interpretations because it seems like gibberish.

The second one, however, really interested me. Here is how I've seen it translated:

"He calls it Reason—thence his power's increased,
To be far beastlier than any beast."

"Auch, vergessen nicht" just means "also, don't forget" and is not part of the quote.

It's actually a line from Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe's epic Faust. When Mephistopheles (that's the devil and villain in the story) visits God in heaven he has a conversation with him in which he proclaims that humanity is stupid and he has no idea why they are paid any attention. The "beastlier than any beast" line is actually one of my favorites in the play, with "Prologue in Heaven" being my favorite chapter.

I can't really figure out why I did this. Wires tend to get crossed when I seize and it isn't uncommon for me to say or do things that don't make any sense.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I left a note?

I was going to post about a third world dream I had, but in reviewing the dream in my dream journal I found something far more interesting than monsters like octorocks and whiny girls wanting ice cream instead of food. When I opened my diary, I found this:

Apr 6, 2011

It's a drawing of what looks like a really messed up cello and some words in a language I'm not familiar with. That is certainly my handwriting, but I don't have any idea what language it is or what it says. I only have any knowledge of two languages outside of English and those are Spanish and German, both of which this is decidedly not.

If anyone has any idea what language this is, it'd be nice to know what it says. I suppose I wrote this in my post-seizure trance state. I've begun keeping track of my dreams right when I wake up (and apparently while I'm not fully awake because the phrase "escape the sabon" doesn't make any sense)and maybe I was performing a routine in trance. Any help is much appreciated.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Another e-mail

Oh god, I'm so sorry.

Subject: Thanks


Play Fair

Translation: now theyere all involved s
maybe they can help you
sk them to help you o
tch them fail you
ou pl xl
be mine in the x end n
ur kind always are r

I'm so, so, sorry guys.

Monday, April 4, 2011

The E-mails

Some jerk has been sending me encoded e-mails. Here is the album on my google profile. It's public, so hopefully it will work

The first two I received were in morse, which I'm familiar with. Here are the translations:

April 1 (morning)

Subject: Hello Anomie

Body: He can't see you, but I can.





I don't know if his name is "Play Fair" or "Rat Atattat" but I'm getting rather annoyed. Please help. I want to know what I should say to this sick freak.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

A new name for an old friend

I saw him again. It was in the same place as before. He approached me and smiled. "Welcome back [Anomie]. I've been calling for you for quite some time."
"I know, I couldn't find my way back."
"Understandable. Sometimes the door is hard to find in the dark. Walk with me."
He began walking towards the woods behind my parents' house. I noticed that he was shaking hard and having trouble walking straight. I walked up behind him and grasped his hand to make him stop shaking. He smiled at me and began to speak.
"[Anomie] what do you think of the sky?"
It was twilight, as always, so I told him it was beautiful.
"But you didn't even look at it,"
"I know what the sky looks like,"
"Just look,"
I glanced up and noticed that there were two suns. I was speechless.
"You'd never see anything like that on Earth. It really is quite lovely. I can't wait to see the sunrise,"
"Does the sun never rise here?"
"Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies,"
"I will lie if I have to, but I don't want to. I don't want you to believe lies when you are desperately seeking the truth. You never know who's listening here,"
I looked to my right and about 50 yards off was the Slender Man just standing and watching. I gasped, not out of fear, but more out of surprise. He was just standing in a neighbor's backyard with that curious look on his non-face.
"Not him. Once we're here he doesn't care anymore. He doesn't care about me, and he can't see you. He wants to know why. He doesn't want you, he just wants an answer. It's the Others I'm worried about,"
"Who are the others?"
"Ask me no questions. . ."
"Fine. Can you tell me your name?"
"I don't have one yet,"
"Until the sun rises I won't have a name,"
"Should I keep calling you spazz?"
"I wouldn't prefer it,"
"Then what should I call you?"
"Whatever you'd like,"
I thought for a moment, and before I could really choose one of the names I had listed in my head I blurted out "Micah. I'll call you Micah,"
"I won't argue. That is a fairly nice name. I don't think it was what I was called before, but I don't mind,"
"What do you mean before?"
"Not now. Wake up,"
And I woke up. I'm a little bit pissed at spazz, now Micah, because I'm sure he's the one that forced me out, and I don't know why. I also don't know how to get back to him again. Amazingly frustrating, finally getting to him and getting denied the answers that I want. I suppose I need to find a way to ask him questions in some roundabout way that will throw whomever "the Others" are off. If anyone who reads this has an idea please tell me. At least I learned a little, and have a real name for my friend.

P.s: Whoever keeps e-mailing me, if you've got something to say sat it in plain English. If it's important enough to send me two e-mails a day you might want to tell me straight up. I don't do cryptography.