I feel the shakes coming on again.
I had a seizure last night. I had a seizure the night before. But last night, last night was much worse.
I passed through the door of my own volition, for the first time ever. I walked to the spot where Micah used to stand waiting. He wasn't there. As I walked closer to the house, I saw that the stoop was covered in blood and what I think was guts. I heard something running, and saw a white streak coming for me. Somehow Lemminkaenen was able to follow and blocked the white thing just in time. He took the killing blow that was meant for me. We were ejected back into the corridor. I don't think he was mortally wounded. Can the dead die? He let me drift into the third world, where I had dreams of those I most love trying to kill me, telling me that I'm an abomination and a stain on them.
There is a man on the corner across from my house. He stands there intermittently, and keeps walking around the block to be less conspicuous. You think I don't notice, but I do. With your stupid headphones and your beady black eyes. You want me to meet you, don't you? It's looking more and more promising.
I don't want to know these things. I don't want to know a dead man who can stop supernatural entities. I don't want to be responsible for the death of a man who reached out to me. I'm no savior, no conveyor of the truth. I'm an abomination, I don't want this anymore.
I'm shaking. There's another one coming tonight. I'm already so weak. I'm already in pain. Why? Why can't I rest?
Showing posts with label seizure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label seizure. Show all posts
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Descartes was not Finnish
So, happy Easter everyone. Or passover. Whatever you celebrate or don't celebrate.
Today was a good day, in fact, my week was pretty fine. Some spattering of dreams here and there. Nothing really notable until last night. Last night was some weird third world dream involving hybrid cat/rabbits that were as loyal as dogs. I apparently found one named Medina that I really loved, but my mom gave her away. I cried and cried until I said her name and she came charging back to me. There was also some stuff about running away to Germany and going clubbing with Keoki and Michael Alig, but none of that really matters.
What really matters is this
That was in my dream book when I opened it this morning to write the entry about the cat/rabbit. I have no idea what the hell that drawing is supposed to be. However, I do know that phrase. I took Latin in highschool and Philosophy in college. That's a play on Descartes' "Cogito ergo sum" or "I think, therefore I am," Instead, this means "We think, therefore we are," Of course, right after that is the signature of our beloved "Lemminkaenen".
I have not, to my knowledge, had a seizure since the last one. I don't know when I wrote this. As with the last one, that is definitely my handwriting. That would also appear to be one of my terrible excuses for art. I haven't written in my dream book since April 16th, so this could have happened anytime between now and then.
Another interesting note, I've been hearing voices again as I'm drifting to sleep. I thought it was due to the allergy meds I've been taking, but now I'm not sure. The voice is always the same, and it seems to be saying something like "mira" or "mirror" and "not alone".
What the hell is going on?
Today was a good day, in fact, my week was pretty fine. Some spattering of dreams here and there. Nothing really notable until last night. Last night was some weird third world dream involving hybrid cat/rabbits that were as loyal as dogs. I apparently found one named Medina that I really loved, but my mom gave her away. I cried and cried until I said her name and she came charging back to me. There was also some stuff about running away to Germany and going clubbing with Keoki and Michael Alig, but none of that really matters.
What really matters is this
 |
| From Apr 24, 2011 |
 |
| From Apr 24, 2011 |
That was in my dream book when I opened it this morning to write the entry about the cat/rabbit. I have no idea what the hell that drawing is supposed to be. However, I do know that phrase. I took Latin in highschool and Philosophy in college. That's a play on Descartes' "Cogito ergo sum" or "I think, therefore I am," Instead, this means "We think, therefore we are," Of course, right after that is the signature of our beloved "Lemminkaenen".
I have not, to my knowledge, had a seizure since the last one. I don't know when I wrote this. As with the last one, that is definitely my handwriting. That would also appear to be one of my terrible excuses for art. I haven't written in my dream book since April 16th, so this could have happened anytime between now and then.
Another interesting note, I've been hearing voices again as I'm drifting to sleep. I thought it was due to the allergy meds I've been taking, but now I'm not sure. The voice is always the same, and it seems to be saying something like "mira" or "mirror" and "not alone".
What the hell is going on?
Friday, April 15, 2011
I saw Micah
I saw him again. I was so happy. However, what he had to say ruined that fairly swiftly.
I came, as I always do, from the side of the house facing the main road. I saw him sitting on the front stoop picking petals off of a flower. When he looked up he took a beat to look at me. A moment later he was running towards me.
"What did you do?" he shouted as he came to a stop.
"What?" I replied, puzzled.
"Why did you forget your pills?" He was shaking, and it was hard to understand him. I grabbed his arm and he stopped.
"How did you know?" I asked.
"I could see you coming. I could hear your thoughts in this world. You can never miss those pills, you can never have seizures [Anomie]! He'll find you!"
"Who will find me?"
"I can't tell you that. That's what you have to figure out. I need you to understand. You CANNOT forget those pills. Ever. Promise me,"
"What?"
"Promise me, [Anomie]!"
"I promise,"
"Good. Now walk with me," he said as we began to walk towards the neighborhood where I had seen the white thing. I hesitated.
"Come on. Don't worry. The wraith is gone. It found what it was looking for,"
"The goatee man?"
"Yes. He was a heretic. He chose the wrong trespasser to warn, and was killed for the trouble. He tried to use you to bargain, but you were too quick. You must remember those pills [Anomie] for the sake of us both,"
"Okay," We were now in front of the house of the man who had tried to use me as a shield. The windows were broken out, and there was what looked like blood on the front stoop. Micah just looked at me. I nodded. I got the message.
"[Anomie] what happens to time when we are asleep?"
"It passes,"
"How do we know?"
"Because the numbers on the clock change, and the sun rises,"
"How do we know when time ends?"
"Time never ends. Time is eternal,"
"Then what is death?"
"What?"
"If time is eternal, what is death?"
"What are you trying to tell me?"
"If time is eternal, then death will not end it. If death will not end time, then what happens to time when all people on Earth die? Time cannot stop, there must always be time keepers,"
"I don't know what you're saying!" I cried, tears in my eyes. I had no idea what he was trying to tell me.
"What color is the sky now, [Anomie]?"
I looked up, expecting the same twilight I had always experienced. Instead, the sky was darker, as if the sun was finally setting. "It's almost dark,"
"Yes, it's almost dark. I will see you again when it's dark. Wake up,"
And, as with the last meeting between Micah and I, I was ejected out of the dream. What the hell is all this about time and death? I can't even figure out what he's talking about. No matter how much I think on it. I dunno, I'm tired and have some sort of cold. I need to sleep. I'm open to any ideas.
I came, as I always do, from the side of the house facing the main road. I saw him sitting on the front stoop picking petals off of a flower. When he looked up he took a beat to look at me. A moment later he was running towards me.
"What did you do?" he shouted as he came to a stop.
"What?" I replied, puzzled.
"Why did you forget your pills?" He was shaking, and it was hard to understand him. I grabbed his arm and he stopped.
"How did you know?" I asked.
"I could see you coming. I could hear your thoughts in this world. You can never miss those pills, you can never have seizures [Anomie]! He'll find you!"
"Who will find me?"
"I can't tell you that. That's what you have to figure out. I need you to understand. You CANNOT forget those pills. Ever. Promise me,"
"What?"
"Promise me, [Anomie]!"
"I promise,"
"Good. Now walk with me," he said as we began to walk towards the neighborhood where I had seen the white thing. I hesitated.
"Come on. Don't worry. The wraith is gone. It found what it was looking for,"
"The goatee man?"
"Yes. He was a heretic. He chose the wrong trespasser to warn, and was killed for the trouble. He tried to use you to bargain, but you were too quick. You must remember those pills [Anomie] for the sake of us both,"
"Okay," We were now in front of the house of the man who had tried to use me as a shield. The windows were broken out, and there was what looked like blood on the front stoop. Micah just looked at me. I nodded. I got the message.
"[Anomie] what happens to time when we are asleep?"
"It passes,"
"How do we know?"
"Because the numbers on the clock change, and the sun rises,"
"How do we know when time ends?"
"Time never ends. Time is eternal,"
"Then what is death?"
"What?"
"If time is eternal, what is death?"
"What are you trying to tell me?"
"If time is eternal, then death will not end it. If death will not end time, then what happens to time when all people on Earth die? Time cannot stop, there must always be time keepers,"
"I don't know what you're saying!" I cried, tears in my eyes. I had no idea what he was trying to tell me.
"What color is the sky now, [Anomie]?"
I looked up, expecting the same twilight I had always experienced. Instead, the sky was darker, as if the sun was finally setting. "It's almost dark,"
"Yes, it's almost dark. I will see you again when it's dark. Wake up,"
And, as with the last meeting between Micah and I, I was ejected out of the dream. What the hell is all this about time and death? I can't even figure out what he's talking about. No matter how much I think on it. I dunno, I'm tired and have some sort of cold. I need to sleep. I'm open to any ideas.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Research and findings
So, a great big thanks to Sam, Trinora and Anon for pointing out that the phrase on the note was Finnish. Also, a great big thanks to Sam for doing the google translate work and the link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lemminkäinen . I actually checked for myself after having been told it was Finnish, and google translate actually still gives me "Check the folder"(more on that later).
Also, a great big thanks to Trinora for pointing out that the drawn cello actually looks like Slender Man. It's interesting that I somehow got a tall skinny man confused with an instrument. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day.
It seems that Lemminkäinen was a great hero in Finnish mythology. His story is that died and rose from the dead and historians think he is analogous to the viking deity Balder. I'm actually familiar with Balder's story and he is more prominently featured as the king of the gods after the final battle of Ragnarok. I can't really say who or what would be "Beloved Lemminkäinen". If it's me it might be a bad omen, if it's someone else it's a worse omen.
As for the first part of the message (which I saved for last) I checked every folder I own before it dawned on me that part of the reason I bought that journal was because it has a small pocket in the back that I had meant to put clippings and such in. When I checked it, I found this:
It is a piece of paper(torn from the notebook itself) folded like a envelope. When I unfolded it I found these passages:
Lucky for me I can read this one. I'm not sure why the first message was in Finnish and the second was in German, but then again I do a lot of things that don't make when I'm in a post seizure state.
The first passage is something I saw carved into a table in a German bar. I didn't really pay it much attention when I first saw it and didn't bother taking a picture, as it seemed unimportant. I had completely forgotten about it until now.
It says:
Here are the words:
Come little children
in my burning embrace
we will with one another go
and learn the secrets of the eternal
Which is bizarre, and I have no more idea now what it says than I did then. I'm open to all interpretations because it seems like gibberish.
The second one, however, really interested me. Here is how I've seen it translated:
"He calls it Reason—thence his power's increased,
To be far beastlier than any beast."
"Auch, vergessen nicht" just means "also, don't forget" and is not part of the quote.
It's actually a line from Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe's epic Faust. When Mephistopheles (that's the devil and villain in the story) visits God in heaven he has a conversation with him in which he proclaims that humanity is stupid and he has no idea why they are paid any attention. The "beastlier than any beast" line is actually one of my favorites in the play, with "Prologue in Heaven" being my favorite chapter.
I can't really figure out why I did this. Wires tend to get crossed when I seize and it isn't uncommon for me to say or do things that don't make any sense.
Also, a great big thanks to Trinora for pointing out that the drawn cello actually looks like Slender Man. It's interesting that I somehow got a tall skinny man confused with an instrument. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day.
It seems that Lemminkäinen was a great hero in Finnish mythology. His story is that died and rose from the dead and historians think he is analogous to the viking deity Balder. I'm actually familiar with Balder's story and he is more prominently featured as the king of the gods after the final battle of Ragnarok. I can't really say who or what would be "Beloved Lemminkäinen". If it's me it might be a bad omen, if it's someone else it's a worse omen.
As for the first part of the message (which I saved for last) I checked every folder I own before it dawned on me that part of the reason I bought that journal was because it has a small pocket in the back that I had meant to put clippings and such in. When I checked it, I found this:
 |
| From the german note |
 |
| From the german note |
It is a piece of paper(torn from the notebook itself) folded like a envelope. When I unfolded it I found these passages:
 |
| From the german note |
 |
| From the german note |
Lucky for me I can read this one. I'm not sure why the first message was in Finnish and the second was in German, but then again I do a lot of things that don't make when I'm in a post seizure state.
The first passage is something I saw carved into a table in a German bar. I didn't really pay it much attention when I first saw it and didn't bother taking a picture, as it seemed unimportant. I had completely forgotten about it until now.
It says:
Here are the words:
Come little children
in my burning embrace
we will with one another go
and learn the secrets of the eternal
Which is bizarre, and I have no more idea now what it says than I did then. I'm open to all interpretations because it seems like gibberish.
The second one, however, really interested me. Here is how I've seen it translated:
"He calls it Reason—thence his power's increased,
To be far beastlier than any beast."
"Auch, vergessen nicht" just means "also, don't forget" and is not part of the quote.
It's actually a line from Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe's epic Faust. When Mephistopheles (that's the devil and villain in the story) visits God in heaven he has a conversation with him in which he proclaims that humanity is stupid and he has no idea why they are paid any attention. The "beastlier than any beast" line is actually one of my favorites in the play, with "Prologue in Heaven" being my favorite chapter.
I can't really figure out why I did this. Wires tend to get crossed when I seize and it isn't uncommon for me to say or do things that don't make any sense.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)