The shakes

I feel the shakes coming on again.

I had a seizure last night. I had a seizure the night before. But last night, last night was much worse.

I passed through the door of my own volition, for the first time ever. I walked to the spot where Micah used to stand waiting. He wasn't there. As I walked closer to the house, I saw that the stoop was covered in blood and what I think was guts. I heard something running, and saw a white streak coming for me. Somehow Lemminkaenen was able to follow and blocked the white thing just in time. He took the killing blow that was meant for me. We were ejected back into the corridor. I don't think he was mortally wounded. Can the dead die? He let me drift into the third world, where I had dreams of those I most love trying to kill me, telling me that I'm an abomination and a stain on them.

There is a man on the corner across from my house. He stands there intermittently, and keeps walking around the block to be less conspicuous. You think I don't notice, but I do. With your stupid headphones and your beady black eyes. You want me to meet you, don't you? It's looking more and more promising.

I don't want to know these things. I don't want to know a dead man who can stop supernatural entities. I don't want to be responsible for the death of a man who reached out to me. I'm no savior, no conveyor of the truth. I'm an abomination, I don't want this anymore.

I'm shaking. There's another one coming tonight. I'm already so weak. I'm already in pain. Why? Why can't I rest?

I'm not feeling right

It's bad enough to be packing and moving, but it's worse when you feel like there is someone watching you. That sick fuck is here. I know he is. I keep looking over my shoulder when I leave my building to put stuff in my Mom's car. I think every person who stalls in the parking lot is watching me, is ready to jump on me like I know that fuck will.

Lemminkaenen won't shut up. He keeps telling me to focus and calm down, that there is nothing to fear, that I'm in good hands with him and with my parents. Well fuck him. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He bugs me every night. I can sleep with him talking to me, trying to tell me to keep calm.

The few times I've been able to sleep, I've had vivid nightmares, about interplanetary beasts destroying the earth. The Slender Man is there, and he's using his non-eyes to stare at me. I can't hear it, but I know he's saying Betreten Verboten. Those beings destroy everything around me and leave fire in their wake. They can't touch me, even as they rip everyone else in the area to pieces.

The more I think about it, the more I think I know what it means. The more I know, the more I wish I was ignorant. I wish I didn't know. The pieces are falling together. I used to love puzzles as a child, seeing the picture develop as I put the pieces together. The clearer the picture in this puzzle becomes, the clearer it is to me that I just don't want to know.

Please, make it stop.